The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape
by Carmen Willows
Summary: Chapter 9-the last one-is up! Who will win? The Weasley twins have made a contest to find the best ways to annoy Snape and others! Was once a list, but that fell off so now it's a story. Read!
1. Chapter 1: The Contest

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Snape, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, or any other character in this.  
  
Dedicated to the people who read The Top 64 Ways to Annoy Snape!  
  
This was originally a composition called The Top 64 Ways to Annoy Snape. However, it fell down because it was a list. Opps! Well, now it's a story! So please read and review, and I hope you enjoy it. I will most likely only continue this story if you all like it. Perhaps I will include the full list at the very end. Oh, thank you to everyone who reviewed the original list in the two days that it was up. I really appreciated it! Well, here you go!  
  
The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape  
  
"What are they doing?" Harry asked Ron. He was looking at Fred and George, who were sitting alone in a corner of the common room, something very unlike them. They were crouched over a single piece of parchment, writing furiously.  
  
"I don't know," Ron answered. "Mum burned their latest set of order forms. Do you think that they're making another one?"  
  
"Let's go see." Harry and Ron stood up and walked over to their corner.  
  
"What cha -?" Ron began.  
  
"None of your business," Fred answered automatically.  
  
"At least, not yet," continued his twin brother George. "But - hum."  
  
"Do you think it's ready?"  
  
"It's as ready as its gonna be. I say lets go for it." The twins stood up and walked past the confused Harry and Ron.  
  
"Can I have your attention, please? Is everyone here?" Fred Weasley asked from atop one of the tables in the room.  
  
"Good," said George, leaping onto the table himself. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to announce the first annual Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape Contest!" Nearly everyone in the common room looked around with puzzled looks on their faces.  
  
"What my brother means is that we feel that we need something to make this year more interesting."  
  
"So, we brilliantly decided to create this contest."  
  
"The way that it works is that there are seven teams, one for each house."  
  
"And they all compete to think of the best way to annoy a specific person, chosen by your fabulous - "  
  
"Don't forget handsome -," George added.  
  
"And brilliant judges - us. Anyway, for seven weeks, each team gives us their top eleven ways to annoy that person. A new victim - err - person will be picked each week."  
  
"The title of the contest only refers to Snape because he's our first little writing buddy."  
  
"Well, the best suggestion to annoy the person will give their team a hundred points. At the end of the contest, there will be a specific.err.challenge assigned to each team. If they complete it, they get a bunch of points. The winning team will get a special mystery prize," Fred finished.  
  
"So what do you think?" George asked the crowd.  
  
"Well, I think it sounds like fun," Angelina Johnson said from the other side of the room, smiling at Fred. Dozens of others nodded in agreement.  
  
"Honestly, are you joking?" Hermione said from behind Harry and Ron. "We could get into a lot of trouble by writing something like that about a teacher! Besides, it sounds completely immature and childish, if you ask me."  
  
"Lighten up, Hermione," Ron said. He turned to his brothers. "It sounds great. So, what are the teams?"  
  
"Well, Ronikins, like we said before, your team includes everyone in your year," George said. "So, is everyone up for it?" Several people began clapping, and before long, the entire tower wrung with applause. They twins grabbed hands and took a deep, dramatic bow. At this, Hermione let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
"So. We'll let you all get to work. Your team's list of the Top Ways to Annoy Snape are due at exactly nine o'clock next Saturday." There was much buzzing and giggling in the tower after that as people began to think of what would be the best way to bug the disgruntled teacher.  
  
"Well, it's simple," Ron said. "Ask him if he'll adopt Harry, here. Hey, what do you think about constantly whispering to him 'I know where Sirius is hiding.' That would get him pretty ticked off."  
  
"That's all well and good, Ron, but if we right that down, and Fred and George read our list for the rest of the Gryffindors, they'll all know that we do know where Sirius is," Harry corrected.  
  
"Oh, right. What do you think, Hermione?" Hermione had been reading a large volume ever since she stopped talking.  
  
"I'm going to have no part in this. You can go get expelled if you like."  
  
"Okay, I'll do that," he said sarcastically. "Come on, Mione, it's just a game."  
  
"Well, this game could get you in a whole lot of trouble, and I don't think that it's appropriate for a prefect to participate in stuff like that." Hermione had found out she was a prefect at the beginning of the summer and has been even more obsessed with rules ever since.  
  
"Fine. Let's go and talk to Seamus, Harry." They left Hermione to read in peace. They strolled over to Seamus who was now sitting with Neville, Dean, Parvati, Lavender, and several other fifth years.  
  
"Hey, Se - ," Harry began, but someone cut him off.  
  
"Hi ya, Harry!" Colin said running over, speaking a mile a minute. "Pretty cool contest, huh, Harry? I don't know if I'll ever be able to think of anything good enough to win. What do you think the mystery prize is? Have you got any ideas yet?" He finally stopped to take a breath.  
  
"You do know that the contest is between years, don't you, Colin?"  
  
"Oh, right. Well, I'll just go then. Bye, Harry!"  
  
"Is he ever going to stop following you around, Harry?" Ron asked, shaking his head. "So, have you guys thought of anything yet?"  
  
"A few things," Lavender answered, "but I really think we can do better."  
  
"Well, let's get to work." Groups were soon huddled together throughout the common room, each person whispering excitedly. Hermione walked up the stairs to her dormitory some time later, her book under one arm. Ron watched her leave the hall, but soon went back to thinking up ideas.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
That Wednesday, the Gryffindor fifth years had double potions. It was the first time that week that they had that class. However, from what they heard of other classes, Snape wasn't pleased with the constant snickering in the middle of lessons. Harry could tell that this class wouldn't be a picnic, though it never was, but it would be worse than ever.  
  
As soon as the bell rang, signaling the start of classes, Snape immediately began pounding notes into their heads. "Class, these are the ingredients for the Higsnog Potion. You need to add the porcupine quills exactly forty- two seconds after the water boils. The rest is self-explanatory. This potion is intended to make the drinker have a more serious outlook for a short amount of time. So, Gryffindors, make sure you brew it quickly because I don't want to have to deal with your antics today. Begin now."  
  
'This is better than I thought it would be,' Harry said to himself. However, he spoke, or rather thought, too soon. A look of dawning had formed on Dean's face within a minute after Snape spoke. He whispered something to Lavender, who was sitting next to him. She snorted into her cauldron with laughter. Hermione sighed yet again and glared at the two of them. Ron hurriedly tried to quiet them.  
  
Snape immediately turned around. "Twenty points from Gryffindor. Now get to work before I take another forty."  
  
'So much for that,' Harry thought. He looked over at Ron. He didn't seem to be paying much attention to what he was doing. The water in his cauldron had been boiling for at least a minute all ready. Harry looked around to see what Ron was staring at. He saw it. Ron was looking at Hermione. He absentmindedly added the quills, and suddenly, his cauldron overfilled. Burning water splashed all over the floor. He muttered something that Harry knew would make Hermione protest if she heard (thankfully, she hadn't).  
  
"Thirty points from Gryffindor, Weasley," Snape spat. "I don't want to hear any more from you."  
  
Most Gryffindors didn't want to lose any more points, so the rest of the lesson passed in silence. When class got out, Harry and Ron ran to Seamus. "What's up?" they asked at once.  
  
"I have the perfect idea." He whispered something to them.  
  
"That is brilliant! We'll win for sure!" Harry said.  
  
"Yeah, sure," Ron said, not looking at them. Without turning around, Harry knew what his best friend was really thinking.  
  
~Who will win? What's the special surprise? What's the best way to annoy Snape? Who will the other 'writing buddies' be? What is the challenge at the end? Bum bum bum!!! So what do you think? Should I keep going? The only way to tell me is to review!!! So review........NOW! Next chapter: The Top Ways To Annoy Snape! Love always, Carmen Willows 


	2. Chapter 2: The Top Way to Annoy Snape

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. Darn.  
  
Dedication: Wow! Look at all of my reviews! I don't even know how many there are! This is dedicated to all of you who reviewed! Thank you! Oh, this is also dedicated to one of my favorite characters in book 5 who died (I won't tell you who it is for those of you who haven't finished it). I'm sure that that person would have thought this hilarious.  
  
A/N: Okay. I know. I'm sorry I haven't updated for like two weeks. I had half of this done and then book five came out and I said, "Oh, book, book, book, book!" Then, my internet kind of broke. That wasn't fun. Anyway, I'm really sorry *smack on the head*, but here you go! Thank you for waiting!  
  
***  
  
All week, the entire school was buzzing about the rumor that the Gryffindors were trying to find the best ways to annoy Professor Snape. They had all thought that it was extremely funny. Thankfully, none of the teachers were informed about this, though several prefects didn't approve of this, including Hermione.  
  
As soon as any of them knew it, it was Saturday. As nine o'clock approached, the Gryffindor tower was filled with cheerful chatter while the students waited for the judges to come down from their dormitory. At exactly nine, Fred and George strolled importantly down the staircase wearing their black Hogwarts robes and brightly striped muggle ties. It was quite a comical sight.  
  
"Attention, please! Attention!" George spoke up.  
  
"Everyone, I would like to thank you all for congregating here for this very important event," Fred began officially. Hermione, who was sitting in a corner reading, then got up from her seat and walked past the twins and up to the girls' dormitory. "Anyway," Fred continued stepping up on a table, "Thank you for all coming to the first chapter of The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape contest!" Dozens of people applauded while several others whistled.  
  
"So, without further ado," George added, jumping on the table with his brother, "we would like to begin the humiliation - I - I mean -,"  
  
"- fun," Fred croaked in. "Would one representative from each year please bring the superior judges their list," he said with an air of great importance, Harry found it very difficult not to laugh at this. He could tell that they had planned all of this very well. Ron grabbed their scroll and went to the front of the hall along with Ginny, Denis Creevy, Alicia Spinnet, and several others.  
  
Once they had the full 77 ways to annoy Snape, George began, "The way this is going to work, is that we'll randomly pick a scroll, and we'll read it out loud for everyone."  
  
"Then, we'll pick another one, and so on."  
  
"Is everyone ready?" Once again, the hall broke out into applause.  
  
"Okay. Let's see. This first one was written by the second years." Polite clapping followed this. Fred continued to read the list. "'Number one: Make windows appear in his office, flooding the room with light. Two: Tape a 'kick me' sign to his back. Three: With an invisibility cloak, go into his dungeon at night while he's grading papers, steal his wand, and blow out all of the candles. Four: Send him fluffy pink bunny rabbit slippers for his birthday. Five: Tell him to think happy thoughts. Six: Send him a Valentine's Day card with lots of hearts and bunnies on it. Seven: Ask him what shampoo he uses to keep his hair slick and shinny. Eight: For his birthday, get him conditioner, but not shampoo.' Clever," he added. "'Nine: Buy him robes sporting the Gryffindor colors. Ten: Ask him why he isn't the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.' And finally 'Number Eleven: Introduce him to the wonders of muggle cartoons and sugar.'"  
  
He finished reading and looked up to find that nearly everyone in the hall was smiling if not suppressing giggles. "Well, that was a very good start. Kind of reminds me of when we were in second year. Young,"  
  
"Innocent -,"  
  
"Troublemakers!" Ron shouted out.  
  
"Yes, we were as a matter of fact," Fred smiled as a few people laughed.  
  
"Let's get onto the good stuff," George said, picking up the next piece of parchment. "Here we have the fantastic -,"  
  
"Amazing -,"  
  
"Not to mention the best year there is - Seventh Year!" Several people whistled loudly again. "'Number one: Ask him if he's ever been out on a date. Two: Send him a note saying 'McGonagall likes you' and see if he blushes. Three: If he gets mad, tell him that he needs some 'alone time' to sort out his issues. Four: Give him a kiss on the cheek.'"  
  
"Oh, come on, Angelina," Fred interrupted. "I know you wrote that. Would you really do that?"  
  
"Maybe," she said smugly from the other side of the hall. They had been dating for going on three weeks now.  
  
"Let's continue, after I was so rudely interrupted," George said, clearing his throat. "Five: Constantly hum It's a Small World when you pass him in the hall. Six: Be happy. Seven: Beat Slytherin at quiditch. Eight: Cast a spell on him that will give him a tan." At that, several people sniggered more loudly than they had already been. "Nine: Say, 'Why Grandma, what a big nose you have, and what pale skin you have, and what slimy hair you have.' Ten: Say, 'Who's a wittle potions master? Huh? Huh? You are!' And eleven: Whenever he tell you to do something, always answer with, 'Okey dokie, shlomenokie.'"  
  
"Well, it never ceases to amaze me how brilliantly childish Seventh Year can be," Fred said.  
  
"And we didn't even help them! Good job guys! We may have a winner, that is if something better doesn't come along."  
  
"I don't know. I would like to see Snape with a tan. Well, now let's have the amazing forth years!" Fred said, turning to the next list. "'Number one: Paint a lightning bolt on his forehead while he's sleeping. Two: Wear 'I Love Harry Potter' badges - ask him if he would like one.'"  
  
"Harry! It looks like you've got a fan club over here!"  
  
"'If you're wandering around the school at night and get caught by Snape, point to a corner and shout, 'Look, Professor! There's Potter in an invisibility cloak!' When he turns around - run."  
  
Harry looked panic stricken over at Ron. "Do you think that anyone knows that I do have in invisibility cloak?"  
  
"No, it's just their jokes," Ron told him, although he did look rather nervous himself. They shifted their attention once again to Fred and George.  
  
"'Four: Put a tickling and/or cheering charm on him.' That would be great! Better than the time we flooded his office."  
  
"Oh, sorry. That wasn't us," George said quickly with a wink.  
  
"Five," Fred continued, "Walk around the school in large groups of people singing, 'We love you, Harry, oh yes we do. We love you, Harry, and will be true. When you're not near us, we're blue. Oh, Harry, we love you!' Six: Then sing, 'We hate you, Snape, oh yes we do. We don't hate anyone as much as you. If you come near us, we'll puke. Oh, Snape, we hate you.'" As he finished that section, he asked, "Would anyone like to demonstrate that?"  
  
Instantly, Colin and several other fourth years began singing the tune from the muggle play Bye Bye Birdie. When the choir was done, they took a bow. Several people were rolling on the floor with laughter, including Fred, who had even fallen off of the table.  
  
"I'll just finish for Fred here," George said, trying to stifle his own laughter. "'Seven: Tell him he's not actually wearing black - he's wearing navy blue.' Now we get away from Harry. 'Eight: Never speak English in front of him - always speak French. Nine: Boast about how much you love the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers; Ten: If he tries to give you detention, wave to an invisible Professor Moody and run when he turns around. Finally number eleven: Replace his potions ingredients with I Love Harry Potter badges.' Now we get back to Harry."  
  
By this time, nearly everyone in the hall was crying with silent laughter. Fred had also managed to climb back onto the table with George, but he was still attempting to suppress giggles. "Okay, sorry about that. That's a tough act to follow, but, anyway, on with the Sixth Years. I'll just go through this. 'One: Ask him when was the last time he washed his hair. Two: Before he can take points away from Gryffindor, yell out, 'Ten points from Slytherin!' and see if he gets confused. Three: When he asks a question, shout out the answer and say, 'Ten points to Gryffindor!' Four: Ask him in front of other teachers why he hates you. Five: Get 100% on everything. Six: Save his life. Seven: Win the house cup. Eight: Tell him that you've posted pictures of him on the internet and laugh when he tries to find out what the internet is.'"  
  
"Hey, that's what Dad's researching now isn't it?" George interrupted.  
  
"'Nine: Ask him if he likes Fleur Delacour. Ten: Tell him that Lockhart is coming back to be the assistant potions master. Eleven: If you feel up to it, call him Snapie Wapie.'"  
  
"Well, that was all very nice and good, but now lets get on with the Harry Potter Fan Club's favorite year - Fifth Year." At this, several people cheered.  
  
Fred continued, "'One: Anonymously send him a hat with a stuffed vulture on it during the Christmas feat and watch his face twist. Two: If he talks about you being a dunderhead, say, 'Well, Harry, an eleven year old boy, got past the three-headed dog, and you couldn't do that!' Three: Reenact James saving his life using finger puppets. Make sure to give the Snape puppet a squeaky voice.'"  
  
"Hey, Harry, I didn't know your dad saved Snape's life! Why? He could have finished him off for us!" George called out. He grabbed the list from Fred and continued, "Four: Tell him that Malfoy got switched to Gryffindor and watch his reaction. Five: Tell him that Hermione is better at potions than he is.'"  
  
"Hermione might like that one," Ron said under his breath.  
  
"'Six: Give Malfoy a kiss in front of him.'"  
  
"Well, I suppose that does only refer to girls, doesn't it, Harry? I hope so," Fred added with a shutter.  
  
"Seven: Bring Neville and a hundred boggarts into a room. Have Neville perform the Riddikulus charm, and have Snape watch all of the Snape- boggarts change into Neville's grandmother's clothes.'" He paused as a few people laughed gently. Of course, they had all heard of the boggart incident two years ago. "'Eight: Howl at the moon. Nine: For his birthday, give him a huge peacock feather gill identical to Lockhart's. Ten: Ask him how he lost his Order of Merlin, First Class. Eleven: Ask him if he'll adopt Harry.'" There were several small chuckles when he finished, but not nearly as much as the fourth years.  
  
Fred took the next piece of parchment and spoke, "Now, as Peeves would say, let's get on with the Ickle Firsties! 'One: Follow him around the corridors constantly poking him. Each time he turns around, ask, 'Are you a vampire?'" Oh, very creative! 'Two: Wander into his office one night and see if he has a coffin.' Interesting. 'Three: Wear garlic around your neck to try and ward him off.' Okay," Fred said, sounding exasperated. "Four: Say that werewolves are better than vampires and watch his reaction." At this, the twins both took very deep, annoyed breaths. "Five: Give him blood for his - all right! Do you really think that he's a vampire?!" Fred bellowed as he rounded on the first years. They cowered slightly and one of them nodded.  
  
"Let me see that." George reached for the list. "They're all like that so let's go to the last group: third year! 'One: Give him the number of a good psychiatrist. Two: Think, 'Snape, if you can read my mind, I'd just like to tell you that you're ugly, a git, slimy, etc.,' and see if he does anything. Three: Hang brightly colored banners in his classroom. Four: Ask him if you could play games during class. Five: Flick his nose. Six: Give him a book titled Potions for the Common Idiot. Seven: Ask him if he would like to buy some girl scout cookies. Eight: While wearing an invisibility cloak, give him a good kick. Nine: When Dumbledore asks him to do something and turns his back to the two of you, make motions pointing to the door and mouth "He told you to go. NOW GO!" Watch his reaction. Ten: Mock him at the balls for not having a date.'"  
  
"Sorry, third years, but you won't be going to ball yet, either, so you really can't talk." Fred took the parchment from George. "The very last choice of how to annoy Snape is: Tell him that when you grow up and get old, slimy, and ugly, you want to be just like him!" Everyone let out a good laugh.  
  
"Well, these were all excellent. I had no idea that there were so many twisted minds in the Gryffindor Common Room!" George yelled.  
  
"Well, we're off to decide who wins, so we'll be back in a few minutes!" With that, they left for their dormitory. The room suddenly broke out into extremely loud conversations.  
  
"Do you think we'll win?" Seamus asked eagerly.  
  
"No, Ginny and Colin's group was too good," Neville spoke up.  
  
"I had no idea that Ginny could think of pranks like that. I mean, Fred and George never thought of anything that even came close!" Ron said.  
  
"Maybe they were just too scared to do anything to Snape," Dean said fairly.  
  
"You try telling that to them." Ron pointed to the staircase where Fred and George had just appeared.  
  
"That was quick," said Harry as the twins leaped back onto the table.  
  
"Well, it was unanimous," George said.  
  
"Honestly, though, every one of them was fantastic! It was really a job trying to decide on one. In fact, we'll have to take a leaf out of your book, won't we George?" Fred added.  
  
"Right you are, Fred."  
  
"Without further ado, the winner of the first round of The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape contest is the Fourth Years for their musical insults!" Joyful screams erupted from the other side of the hall. Several others looked a little put out, even though more smiled cracked on dozens of faces at the pleasant memory.  
  
"Now, we don't want you to think that you're not all great troublemakers, because you are!" George called out over the screams.  
  
"And I really would have liked to see Snape with a tan!" Fred said. "So we've decided that Seventh Year gets second place!"  
  
"First of all, I would like to say how proud Fred and I are of Ginny. We never knew that you had it in you to think of all of that stuff. You'll be seeing a new master troublemaker when we're gone!"  
  
"So the points are now Second Year with one hundred and Seventh Year with fifty!"  
  
"But we can't leave you with that," George said.  
  
"Of course not, George," Fred added.  
  
"We have chosen a new buddy, or rather buddies, to annoy for next week."  
  
"For next Saturday, we want you to find the top 70 ways -"  
  
"That's ten choices for each year," George interrupted.  
  
"The top 70 ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris!" Several people laughed at the thought, ready to find new ways, and to beat the Fourth and Sixth Years. Fred and George were nearly trampled on by the seventh years when they went to talk to them. Ron, on the other hand, turned back to Harry and the others.  
  
"What do you reckon?"  
  
"Let's get to work. We'll get them this time."  
  
~Okay. Did you like it? For a bonus I'll give you two more that I thought were really good (it was one of my favorites) but I couldn't put them in here because, well, they just didn't make sense.  
  
My favorite ways to annoy Snape: One: Give him a solo in Hogwarts: The Musical. Make him sing "Springtime for Snapie." Two: Buy the WB's 'Snape's Potion Candy' kit. Mix the sugar together during class, and say very loudly and childishly, "Look, I'm a potions master, too!"  
  
Yeah, I love those!!!  
  
I also really like the one about the Harry Potter badges. He, he, he. Well, this is what I need from you: REVIEWS!!! Okay, but I really need ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris. Also, if you would like to see someone be the next "buddy to annoy," I would really appreciate it! Also, I love comments.  
  
So clickity click click click!  
  
Carmen Willows 


	3. Chapter 3: The Top Way to Annoy Filch an

THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the many pieces of Harry Potter merchandise in my room.  
  
Dedication: To all of my reviewers! Thank you! I've never had so many reviews! *tear*  
  
Sorry about the weird things that are coming instead of ' and " and stuff like that. My computer is really messed up and I'm working on it, but right now, that's the only way that I'm going to be able to get it posted. Sorry. Please bear with me.  
  
~Okay. I know that I haven't updated in such a long time, but I do hope that you'll forgive me, and that some of you are still reading. On a happier note, WOW! 40 reviews! I wasn't expecting that much! Thank you sooooooooo much!!! Oh, special thanks to those of you who gave me ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris. Sadly, I couldn't use them all, otherwise all you would have to do is read the reviews to find the whole story. So, I chose a few of them, and would like to recognize the following people super quick: Sparkles, Cat, Catzi, Yoshi-fan2003, element_Lenore, el loco uno, Am 'Broise, and Prankster Queen. I think that is everyone. I'm terribly sorry if I forgot anyone but my computer isn't working right, and I can't look over my reviews. And, also, I didn't receive many of the reviews until I had made the final list, so I'm sorry bout that. So, thank you again to everyone who reviewed! I'm so happy! *tear of happiness * Well, I'll let you get onto the story! So, here you go!  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Over the following week, nearly all of the students noticed that the same giggles and sniggering that Snape received were now passed onto Filch. Finding it both annoying, and possibly even a little flattering at all of the attention, Filch decided to barricade himself in his office. However, not all of the limelight was on Filch. There were still people humming "We hate you Snape" in the corridors.  
  
Before long, however, it was Saturday. Nearly all of the Gryffindors were gathered in the Common Room to wait for the next stage of the contest to begin. The fifth years, all except for Hermione that is, were sitting in front of the fire. While they were waiting, Ron and Harry were poring over their Divination homework. They were now working on reading Tarot cards.  
  
"Ah, no, I got the death card again," Ron said with a groan.  
  
"But that card doesn't necessarily mean death or anything bad. It can also mean transition," Harry said, looking up from his cards. It had been the only one that he memorized. He wanted to make sure that he had a comeback in case Trelawney decided to tell him that he would die the next day. "What does the nine of swords mean again?"  
  
Ron flipped through pages in Tarot: A Guide to the Future and read, "'Misery, concern, unhappiness, anxiety over a loved one, worry, despair, or suffering.' Tough luck, mate." Harry groaned.  
  
"At least we have the contest to look forward too, right?" Harry asked as the forth years took seats behind him. "Unless Snape finds out about all of this and thinks it was my idea. Then I'd really suffer." He broke away from his homework and turned to look at the forth years.  
  
"Well, we have better stuff this time, so let's just hope we win," Ron said, still trying to interpret his cards, but Harry wasn't listening. He was still gazing at the forth years.  
  
"Where's Ginny?" he asked them abruptly for she was, indeed missing from the group. Colin Creevy turned around.  
  
"Hi ya, Harry! Ginny said that she wouldn't help us this time," he said looking rather grim. "She said that she didn't want insult the cat. Guess she likes cats." He shrugged. Harry turned back to Ron, his stomach doing an unpleasant sort of summersault suddenly realizing that they could be making jokes about how she opened the Chamber of Secrets in her first year. He had not done so, of course, but he just hoped that everyone else would have the decency to not mention it.  
  
"Welcome brave Gryffindors," Fred Weasley shouted coming down the stairs with George by his side, "to the second chapter of The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape Contest!" They were still wearing their outrageous ties, but this time, they each had a hat on that looked as if it belonged to Napoleon.  
  
"Branched out a bit, haven't they?" Harry asked Ron while everyone else clapped, ready to get started.  
  
Once again, the twins jumped up onto the table, looking very dignified.  
  
"I would just like to congratulate everyone again for last week," George said over the noise. "It was brilliant! The best part is that even though Snape has no clue what's going on, he's looking even greasier than usual!" A few people laughed.  
  
"Well, let's get down to business," Fred said. "The points are now: forth year – 100; Seventh year – 50 points. Everyone else – nothing." He shrugged.  
  
"Don't worry, though, there are still many more opportunities to get points," George added.  
  
"So, let's hear The Top 70 Ways to Annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris!"  
  
Everyone clapped, and seven people made their way to the front of the room to hand off their lists. Once all of the pieces of parchment were collected, Fred glanced at the top one and said, "Let's start with forth year. That should make a nice start."  
  
"What's this?" George asked. "You have twelve things on here. It was only supposed to be ten."  
  
"That's just not fair!" a sixth year shouted.  
  
"Some people just have no regard for the rules," Fred said shaking his head.  
  
"Well, we'll read 'em all, but only count the first ten. Okay?  
  
"Hem hem. 'Number one: Dump red pain and ketchup on yourself in an empty corridor. Scream at the top of your lungs. When Filch arrives, play dead. When he goes to get a mop, write, 'Who cleaned these floors?' in paint and then run.'" Polite laughter followed this. "'Two: Never speak English in front of him. Always speak German.' Ah. Just like last week! 'Three: sing the I Hate You Snape song only change the words to Filch and/or Mrs. Norris.' Okay, that's just not very creative. 'Four: sing the I Love You Harry song only put in Peeves instead of Harry.'"  
  
"Now come on. Anything new besides that first one?" George asked across the room.  
  
"Wait, here we go. 'Five: When Filch has his back turned, yell, "Dungbombs!" and run.' Better, George?"  
  
"I guess," he said shrugging. "Go on."  
  
"'Six: Call him 'Baka' repeatedly until he finally gets a Japanese dictionary and realizes that it means 'stupid.' Seven: Paint 'Filch, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened again, and I have your cat!' on his office door.' Wonder when we'd get to that. 'Eight: Turn the hall into a mud pit. Nine: Ask him what year he graduated from Hogwarts. Ten: Talk to him like a valley girl. Eleven: Talk to him in rhymes only. Twelve: Sing Filch Hippie songs,'" Fred finished. "Well, I do like the one about rhymes, but that wasn't at all up to last week's standards."  
  
"Sorry, but I agree. You could be loosing your touch. Bet you're missing Ginny now, huh?" "Well, lets have the third years now. George," Fred said, handing off the next parchment to his brother.  
  
"'Number one: Tell Filch to 'Think of sunshine, unicorns, and happy elves and everything will seem a lot better.'" He laughed along with everyone else. "I do that a lot. Thought of happy elves bringing me cakes, and they did; I was a lot happier after that." He turned back to the list. "'Two: Vanish the door to his office and all of the broom closets. Three: Poke your head around a corner where Filch is, make a sound like a cat being kicked, then run for your life. Four: Find a way to smuggle a working radio into Hogwarts and jinx it to play "It's a Hard Knock Life" from Annie, and put it in his office. See how long he can last before he chucks it out of a window. Five: Give him voice lessons, and teach him how to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life" properly.'"  
  
"Wasn't Dad singing something like that last summer? Said something about Santa? That would be great if Filch sang it!" Fred shouted over the people suppressing giggles.  
  
"'Six: Take him to a muggle karaoke night. Seven: Give Filch caffeine. Eight: Take Mrs. Norris hostage, and leave a note saying that she was used as an experimental flight animal for NASA, and she is on her way to Pluto right now.' Hey, I know about NASA! It's the Nastily Academic Snobbish Academy! Percy wanted to go there, but Mum said no."  
  
"Now that was just too bad, huh."  
  
"Anyway. 'Nine: Lock Mrs. Norris in the vanishing cabinet. And Ten: Lock Mrs. Norris in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.' Well, that was much more satisfying," George said, casting a glance at the forth years.  
  
"Now here are the seventh years!" Fred yelled, hastily changing the subject. Large amounts of laughter came from the front of the room. "Number one: Give him a kiss on the cheek.' Angelina! I know that was you – again!" he yelled, outraged. Angelina gave him a mysterious sort of smile.  
  
"I'll just take this," George said, reaching for the list. "'Two: Worship Fred and George.'"  
  
"Well, that's better," Fred said crossing his arms.  
  
"Glad to hear that you two are all patched up. 'Three: Let off fifty or so of Fred and George's new fireworks in Filch's office.' They're on sale, by the way. Now nine galleons each! 'Four: Test out Fred and George's new Skiving Snackboxes on Mrs. Norris by 'accidentally' putting them into her food dish.' That's good cuz we're always looking for new testers. 'Five: Have a bunch of girls run up to him squealing, "We love you, Argus!"'"  
  
"I hope that doesn't include a certain girlfriend," Fred interrupted.  
  
"'Six: Persuade Peeves to kiss Filch.'"  
  
"I like that one much better."  
  
"'Seven: Say to him, 'Mr. Filch, meet Mr. Bar-of-Soap.'' That's great! 'Eight: Tell him to take a bath.' And he needs it. 'Nine: Buy Filch some new clothes for his birthday with a note saying 'A donation to the poor and fashionless.' Ten: Rewrite his list of rules to include running around making as much noise as possible, doing spells in corridors, and destroying school property.' Oh, that would make things so much easier." Much laughter followed the seventh year's list. "Fred, do you think you can read the next one?"  
  
"Sure," he said, still with an uneasy look about him. "Okay, brace yourself, George, cuz it's the first years."  
  
"Are they even worth reading?" he asked.  
  
"Well, let's just give them a chance. 'One: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dog.' A big dog? Cuz that would just give her the strength to actually eat students. 'Two: Turn Mrs. Norris into a hippogriff.'"  
  
"Oh, come on. That's even worse. We're thinking of ways to annoy them, not to make them more dangerous!"  
  
"Breathe, George."  
  
"Okay. Right," he said, inhaling very deeply.  
  
"'Turn Mrs. Norris into a pair of sandals.' Ya see, here we go. 'Turn Mrs. Norris into a chicken. Five: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dungbomb. Turn Mrs. Norris into a book and give her to Madam Pince to put away in the library.' Not bad. 'Turn Mrs. Norris into a bludger. Seven: Turn Mrs. Norris into Filch's cleaning solutions. Eight: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dandelion.' Oh, here's a different one. 'Transfigure Mrs. Norris into a fluffy pink bunny rabbit.' See, that wasn't that bad, was it, George?"  
  
"Guess not. Well, let's move onto the second years. 'One: Feed Mrs. Norris dungbombs. Two: Persuade Peeves to kidnap Mrs. Norris. Three: Encourage Peeves.' Simple, yet effective," he added. "'Four: When Mrs. Norris finds you and goes to tell Filch, kidnap her and leave a note saying, 'If you ever want to see your cat again, bring seventy boxes of lemon drops to the Grand Canyon at midnight.' See if he can find out what lemon drops are, get seventy boxes of them, then get to the Grand Canyon by midnight without having a nervous break down.' Very creative. 'Five: Put a Filibuster firework in Mrs. Norris's food dish. Six: Introduce Filch to Moaning Myrtle. Who knows, despite all of the constant flooding of the corridors, two miserable people might find some things in common.' What a cute couple," George added waiting for the constant laughter to die down. "'Let off twenty or so dungbombs in Filch's office and leave a not saying that it was Mrs. Norris. Eight: Kidnap Mrs. Norris, and leave clues for Filch in order to find her, but they only lead in circles: "In your office…got to the broom closet…go to the great hall…got to your office…"' We should try that sometime, right Fred? 'Nine: Put a silencing charm on the cat, then dress her up in glasses and robes then when Filch comes by, walk on casually saying "Hi, Professor McGonagall!" Ten: Invite him to participate in a male beauty contest called Mr. Hogwarts Squib.' What a site – Filch in a dress!" It took several minutes for the insane laughter to die down after George finished. When he did, however, Fred picked up another list and continued.  
  
"Now, let's hear it for the good old fifth years!" Several people, including Harry and Ron, applauded. "'One: While walking past Filch's office, say in a very loud voice, "Did you hear? Dumbledore was going to allow the old method of punishing students again!" then watch him run like a maniac to Dumbledore's office with a stupid grin on his face to see if it was true. Two: Hang Filch by his ankles in the dungeons. Three: Start wearing boots with spikes on the bottom, threaten Mrs. Norris with a good kick, and see if she comes near you after that. Four: Convince Peeves to go on a rampage of the entire school.'"  
  
"We should try that. Think he'd listen to us, or just throw doxies at us again?"  
  
"That did hurt. I think I still have some bruises. Anyway. 'Five: Send him five hundred Kwick Spell letters. Six: Set loose bewitched mice that appear to have Filch's head, and laugh when Mrs. Norris eats them in front of him.'" At this, Fred himself chuckled. "Norris…eating…Filch…that's great. Seven: Perform very simple magic in front of him and ask him if he can do that. Eight: Give Mrs. Norris a good kick. Nine: Send him a flyer advertising a "So You're a Squid Now Learn How to Cope With It" meeting that you made up and see if he turns up. And ten: Take him into the Forbidden Forest and see how he likes it.'"  
  
"Much better than last time."  
  
"My compliments."  
  
"Finally, the sixth years," George said, reaching for the last piece of parchment. "'One: Hang stuffed cats from torches. Two: Dribble diced up fresh catnip all over the halls, and see Norris goes psycho. Three: Choose several halls and paint them neon colors.'"  
  
"Well, someone had too much sugar today."  
  
"'Four: Place a framed fake marriage certificate with Filch and Mrs. Norris's names on it outside the Great Hall.'"  
  
"Well, they might as well be married."  
  
"'Five: Bring twenty dogs into the castle and watch Mrs. Norris run. Six: Get Moaning Myrtle to flood the corridors at least five times a day.' Peeves could convince her."  
  
"All he'd have to do would be to say, 'You're dead – '"  
  
"'And you're ugly!' 'Seven: Tie large and bright bows around Mrs. Norris's neck that will simply not go away.'"  
  
"Again with the sugar."  
  
"'Eight: Transfigure his cleaning liquids into permanent paint. Nine: If you're a prefect, try to give him detention.' Hey, it might work. And the last way to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris: 'Introduce Mrs. Norris to a male cat, and see if Filch gets jealous.'"  
  
When the last list was finished, the few people who had been suppressing giggles laughed right out loud.  
  
"Well, thank you very much everyone for the ingenious ways to possibly get a restraining order!" Fred shouted.  
  
"Yes, we'll have a job decided this week, won't we, Fred?"  
  
"Absolutely. We'll get going now and choose –"  
  
"But we'll be back sooner than you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes are the best things ever for three hundred and seventy-two reason. Number one...'"  
  
"Come, George."  
  
"Righto!" With that, they left for their dormitory with even more laughter and clapping following them.  
  
"What do you recon?" Ron asked Harry.  
  
"Don't think the first years got it," he responded, collapsing into an armchair. He sighed. "At least Ginny's name didn't come up at all. That would have been horrible."  
  
"Yeah, I didn't even think of that. I don't think that Fred and George would have read it, though, if it had. So, what do you recon?" Ron repeated.  
  
"I don't know. Probably sixth or seventh year. Second was really funny this time. Why don't you ask your tarot cards who will win?"  
  
"Good idea! If only they weren't such bloody useless things. Let's see." He mixed up the cards and picked the top one up. It showed a picture of a skeleton riding a horse. "Darn. Death again."  
  
"Hey could be worse," said Harry, shrugging.  
  
They sat there for nearly fifteen minutes before Fred and George finally made their way back down the staircase. Once again, applause greeted their entrance. They both bowed very deeply before climbing on top of their usual table. "Well, this was a very hard decision to make."  
  
"Everyone here is equally evil," George added with his arms outstretched. There were several more cheers here.  
  
"I'm sure you're all anxious and waiting, so let's just get on with this."  
  
"Second place, I am very proud to say, goes to seventh year for offering to test out our Skiving Snacks on Mrs. Norris!" Loud screams erupted from the other side of the common room.  
  
"Yes, yes. We all love the seventh years," Fred began. Angelina beamed. "What I mean is, they are…very big…trouble makers…yeah. First place," he said, changing the subject, "goes to…dramatic pause…"  
  
"Come on already!" Ron yelled.  
  
"Second year dressing Mrs. Norris up as McGonagall!" Ron swore under his breathe as the second years screamed wildly.  
  
"However, we would like to award an honorable mention to Ronikins and the rest of them for suggesting to charm mice to look like Filch."  
  
"Yes!" Ron, Seamus and Dean yelled together.  
  
"No points, though. Sorry bout that," Fred said. Ron groaned.  
  
"Tough luck mate."  
  
"One more thing, of course. Next week, we need the top, let's see…"  
  
"The Top 63 Ways to Annoy Peeves!"  
  
"So, go forth with joy –"  
  
"And find ways that would really put a stopper in Peeves's happiness."  
  
"Is Peeves ever unhappy?"  
  
"Your guess is as good as mine." Then they went off to celebrate with the rest of the seventh years who gratefully welcomed them.  
  
"We should have won," Ron said, turning back to Harry. "Yeah, we should have, but what can ya do?" Harry said.  
  
"Well, let's get to work. For next week we have to have something completely brilliant."  
  
"Alright," Harry replied, gladly pushing his Divination homework aside.  
  
~*~ Did you like it? Was it as good as the Snape one? Personally, I think that Ron and Harry and the rest of the 5th years should have won. That one was my favorite! But that's just the way the story goes.  
  
One more quick way to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris that wouldn't fit in the story: "Give Filch a part in Hogwarts: The Musical. He can be the curtain puller."  
  
Well, you know what to do! I need ways to annoy Peeves! Thank you again to EVERYONE who reviewed/wrote ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris! They were hilarious!!! They all made me madly laugh! Now, however, it is Peeves turn. Other more familiar people that you suggested are going to be the 'buddies' next!  
  
Do you think that we could get over 50 reviews before I update again? That would be so cool! Oh, and if we can get over 100, I'll do a special bonus chapter! K?  
  
Lots of love!  
  
Carmen Willows  
  
PS Once again, I'm sorry it took so long to update, but I'm writing three fan fics at once. So, if you have nothing to do one day, check out one of my other ones. Thanks! Now – clickity, click, click, click! 


	4. Chapter 4: The Top Way to Annoy Peeves

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, but I'm glad JK Rowling does.  
  
Dedication: This is to EVERYONE who reviewed! I'm so happy with all of them! Thank you for putting a smile on my face. I love making all of you laugh.  
  
Thank you to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Peeves. I really needed it. I'm so so so so sorry that I couldn't put this up sooner, but I got some writer's block concerning the list. Also, I was working on trying to get the lists posted on a Harry Potter web site so that everyone can look at the full lists, but that web site fell down a few days ago. If anyone knows of another site that might like to host the lists, I'd love to know. Perhaps I'll try mugglenet.Hmmm.Anyway, next chapter should be up sooner.  
  
Well, thank you once again to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Peeves. I used examples in this chapter from: Cait-chan1, Insane trio, Maraudersgirl, A Bit of Old Parchment, Sparkles, Jeni, and Nurvilyawen of Imladris. Thank you for all of your help! I was laughing out loud while I was reading them. I could imagine them all happening! You are all so brilliant! I wish that I could thank everyone individually, but I'll save that for the last chapter. Promise! Thank you again.  
  
Enough of my rambling. On with the story!  
  
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Once again, sniggering now followed the four 'buddies' wherever they went, though now that the Gryffindors had a chance to think of ways to humiliate Peeves, Snape received slightly less abuse. However, many people seemed to have a hard time trying to think of ways to annoy Peeves, as he was the one who did most of the annoying. Then there was the fact that he's a ghost, so you couldn't show any signs of physical abuse in the lists. In fact, some people's minds were so blank, that Harry noticed a few first years crouched behind the statue of Boris the Bewildered carefully watching Peeves, hoping that some stroke of brilliance might come to them.  
  
On Saturday night, Ron and Harry were sitting in front of the fire, with ugly toads sitting in front of them. They had been the only ones to receive extra Charms homework that Friday, and they figured that since they had several essays to write over the weekend, they might as well get started.  
  
"But it wasn't our fault we couldn't concentrate," Ron explained, outraged about getting so much homework. "We thought of some other ways to annoy that git Peeves, and we were on a roll! We couldn't stop there!"  
  
As much as Harry disliked getting assignments, he didn't think that Professor Flitwick would accept that answer as a reasonable excuse. So there they were, waving their wands at the toads, trying to get them to sing opera. What bothered Ron the most was that the first day, Hermione had successfully made hers become a very high soprano.  
  
"Why won't this work?" Ron yelled, waving his wand carelessly.  
  
"Hello, fellow Gryffindors!" came a loud voice from the staircase. Surprised, Ron accidentally poked his toad in the eye, which caused it to turn purple, sprout wings and fly out of the open window.  
  
"Nice one, Ron. I see that you're working hard on your homework," George said as the twins passed them.  
  
"Yeah, showing real potential as a failure," Fred added.  
  
Ron mumbled something under his breath and looked up at them and nearly fell backwards into the fire. Harry, too, looked up and gave a small gasp. Fred and George were standing there, talking to them, yet - they didn't seem to have any heads. Possibly seeing their looks of surprise - Harry didn't see how they could, for they didn't have any visible eyes - Fred said, "Don't worry, this is part of our costume." While Ron and Harry stared at them in bewilderment, they turned and ran to their usual table.  
  
"Welcome once again to the Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape contest! This week, we honor Peeves with our insults!"  
  
There was a pause after the finished. Lee Jordan looked around from his group of seventh years and widened his eyes. Then he said with the sense of reciting something memorized, "Fred, George, where on earth are your heads?"  
  
"Why," Fred said, pulling off a feathered hat that was invisible a moment before, "right here!"  
  
"They're on sale, too. Contact one of our representatives."  
  
"You see, we wanted to see what it's like to be invisible -,"  
  
"At least partly invisible -,"  
  
"So we could try to figure dear old Peevesy out."  
  
"What we found is that -,"  
  
"He's a giant see-through git!"  
  
A few laughs followed their jokes.  
  
"Well, now, let's get on to the main attraction." The twins stepped onto the table.  
  
At this several people cheered. Seamus, Dean and Neville along with Parvati and Lavender came to sit near the fire with Harry and Ron. The two girls seemed to be much more involved in the contest after Peeves spilt two bottles of ink over their heads Wednesday morning. The rest of the fifth years were glad of this change, because it seemed to make their list even better. They were now very confident of their list, thinking it their best yet.  
  
Ron went up to the front of the room along with six other people to deliver their parchment to the judges. Once everyone was seated, Fred began, "Thank you. Let's just get going here. We all know that we have lots of joyous homework to get along with. Now, we'll start right off with the sixth years! 'One: When he insults you smile at him, pat him on the head, give him flowers and chocolate and say: That's a good boy.' I'm sure he'd enjoy that. 'Two: Tell him Umbridge passed another decree giving her full control over all of the ghosts.' That would sure annoy him - and me. 'Three: Tell him that pulling pranks is, like, so last year.'"  
  
"Oh, but, it isn't -," George began.  
  
"At least it isn't when we pull pranks. 'Four: Send him a letter from Filch saying, "I know we've always have our differences, but I think we should try and resolve them. Will you marry me?" Be sure to include a little plastic ring.' How sweet. 'After sending the letter, whenever you see Peeves, start humming "Here comes the bride." Six: Whenever you see Filch chasing Peeves, say "Awe, don't they make such a cute couple..." Seven: Worship Filch and Umbridge.' That just wouldn't be very nice to do in the first place. They're not worth wasting perfectly good seconds on. 'Eight: Ask why he always looks so paranoid.' Yeah," Fred said, ruffling the back of his hair, "he does, oddly enough. 'And nine: Make a statue of Peeves and bash it to pieces with a pipe while he's watching you.' That would be fun, too." Every person in the room was smiling if not suppressing giggles as they imagined this.  
  
"Now, let's have the.the first years," George finished as his smile faded slightly.  
  
"Do you think you can handle that, George? I mean, they have been getting better," Fred added with a nod.  
  
"Yeah, I think so. They have a full nine."  
  
"That's a plus."  
  
"Okay, I'll give it a try. Here we go. 'One: Be happy.' Okay, I guess that would work. 'Two: Whenever he insults you, just smile and say, "I'm rubber you're glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." Three: Encourage Filch.' Wasn't there something like that last time? It was the third years or something? Anyway. 'Four: Get him kicked out of Hogwarts. Five: Cast a spell on him that will make him lose his voice.' That would actually annoy him. 'Six: If that doesn't work, cast a spell on him that will make his voice sound very high pitched and girlish.'" At this, he paused for a moment, and to everyone's surprise, he gave a little smile. He soon went on, "'Seven: Tell him that the world would be a better and far more interesting place without him. Eight: Tell him that he's very immature.'"  
  
"Actually, he might take that last one as a compliment."  
  
"'And Nine: Blow raspberries at him."  
  
"Well, you see, George, that wasn't that bad."  
  
"I guess."  
  
"Now, let's have the fifth years!" The area around Harry erupted with noise and yells. "Okay, okay, settle down now. What's this? Look, George, they have seventeen on their list!"  
  
It was true. They had come up with so many things that they thought that it couldn't hurt to have more than required. It would only make everyone else laugh more, even if some of them didn't count.  
  
"Well, as you know, we can only accept the first nine," George began. "But, sure, we'll read the rest."  
  
Fred cleared his throat. "'One: Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of Lysol.'"  
  
"That's because he contaminates everything," George said with a wink.  
  
"Two: Walk a few feet in front of him skipping and throwing flowers in front of anywhere he floats. Three: Follow him around acting, like his best friend and constantly giving full reports of EVERYTHING you do: waking up, yawning, stretching, roll over, ect. Four: Talk to him about your personal life.' Oh, look, dialogue! '"But how could Chris do that to me, Peeves? I spent every night with him and he cheats on me with that Ravenclaw chick! Men, you know what I mean?"'" At this, several people burst out into fits of laughter. "'Pretend you don't understand what he's saying, no matter how much he yells and how slowly he says it. Six: Point and laugh loudly at him in the corridors when he isn't doing anything remotely funny. Seven: Bewitch the suits of armor to say, "Eat dung, Peeves!"'" By this time, even Fred was trying to contain laughter. "'Eight: End every other sentence with ".at least that's what the Bloody Baron told me." Nine: Sit and stare at him for hours. Bring others to join you. Ten: Put a permanent sticking charm on all of the heavy statues and other objects so he can't drop them on top of you.'"  
  
"He would really hate that, you know."  
  
"We did that once, remember? Kept him away from the Potions corridor," Fred said.  
  
"Or maybe he just didn't like Snape, and that's why he never went down there."  
  
"Anyway. On with the humiliation - I mean, the joyful study time. 'Eleven: Torture the first years before he gets a chance to. Twelve: Find some fearless first years to stalk him. Thirteen: Tell him that Lupin is back and ready to send some more bubblegum flying up Peeves' nose. Fourteen: When Peeves starts chucking stuff at you, cast a charm so all the objects follow Peeves around and hit him.' Wouldn't they go right through him?"  
  
"Oh well, it's the thought that counts," George said through spurts of his own laughter.  
  
"Fifteen: Sing, "Oh, most think he's barking, the Peevesy wee lad, but some are more kindly and think he's just sad, but the Gryffindors know better and say that he's mad." Sixteen: Chase him around with a hair dryer.' What's that?"  
  
"Don't know; don't particularly care."  
  
"'And seventeen: Eat peanuts, throwing a few at him. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."' Well, that was very entertaining," Fred said over the noise.  
  
"Now we have last weeks winners: the second years! George would you like to - George? George?" Fred looked around because George was no longer standing on the table with him. A gasp of air was heard, and Fred looked down to see George rolling on the floor in silent laughter.  
  
"Okay," Fred said. "I'll just read this next one. 'One: Ignore him. Two: Get a stuffed cat that resembles Mrs. Norris and bewitch it to follow Peeves around, meowing loudly.' A perminant babysitter. 'Three: Tell him that Umbridge died and is coming to be a ghost at Hogwarts, as an assistant to the Bloody Baron. Four: Send him flowers with a note saying that they are from Moaning Myrtle.' Awe. They make an even better couple than Peeves and Filch. 'Five: Tell Moaning Myrtle that Peeves thinks she's cute. Six: Have a Hogwart's Best Poltergeist contest and don't invite him. Seven: While wearing an invisibility cloak, throw things at him.' Once again, they would just go right through him. 'Eight: Cut off his sugar supply. And nine: Tell him that he would have a very lovely singing voice if only he stopped cackling the words.'"  
  
By this time, George was steadily able to get up with the help of Lee. He climbed up onto the table and took a few deep breaths.  
  
"Welcome back, bro," Fred said, handing him the next list.  
  
"Thank you, glad to be here. Now we have the seventh years!" From the very front of the room came the loudest applause yet. "Yes, we all know that you're wonderful."  
  
"Wait, George," Fred said suddenly, "we're seventh year, too!"  
  
"And that means - we're wonderful! Anyway. Continuing. 'One: Tell him that the Weasley twins cause ten times more trouble than he ever will.'"  
  
"Oh, thank you," Fred said, taking a bow.  
  
"We're touched," George added, wiping away a fake tear. "'Two: Walk around calling him 'Second Best.' Three: Every so often, mumble something about how Fred and George's pranks are better than his.'"  
  
"Oh, and they are."  
  
"Now don't be so modest, dear brother. 'Four: Tell the entire school that Fred and George taught Peeves everything he knows.'"  
  
"Suck ups!" Ron yelled.  
  
"Yes. Yes, they are," Fred said.  
  
"Five: Tell him he's loosing his touch. Six: Give him a kiss."  
  
"Ha!" Fred interrupted. "You can't kiss him, Angelina, because he's not solid!" Everyone stared at him. "Well, he isn't!"  
  
"Continuing on. Tell him that the Bloody Baron wants him to kiss Filch, Snape, all of the Gryffindors.' Now wait a moment. I don't want him kissing me! 'If he talks to you, respond with the words "I know you are, but what am I?" every single time, insult or not. Nine: Strike up a chorus of, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold. A circle's round. It has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend," whenever you see him.'"  
  
"Excellent job demonstrating, once again, how immature you seventh years are!" Fred shouted.  
  
"Well, we're nearing the end now. Let's have the forth years. See if they're any better this week," George said, handing off the parchment.  
  
Fred cleared his throat. "'One: Ignore him.' Sorry, guys, but that one was already used. 'Two: Go around the school in an invisibility Cloak and pretend that you're the Bloody Baron. Three: Ask him how he died. Laugh at him when he tells you.' I'd love to do that one! 'Four: Follow him around the castle, whistling and poking your hand through him. Five: Be nice to Harry.'"  
  
"Oh, the Harry Potter Fan Club is back!"  
  
"'Six: Follow him around the corridors chanting, "I know something you don't know." Seven: Always speak Spanish in front of him. Eight: Follow him around the corridors singing, "I know the most annoying song." And nine: Follow him singing, "We love you, Peeves, oh yes we do. We love you, Peeves, and will be true." and see if he chucks something at you.' Now you know you've used that one every single time."  
  
"And you were doing so well. Now there's one left - and that's the third years." After the applause died down, George began to read the last list. "'One: Tell him that the Bloody Baron thinks he's a git. Two: Trap him in a room with Filch who's singing "It's a Hard Knock Life" and see how long before he cracks.' That's truly brilliant! 'Three: Sing "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music whenever you see him in the halls.' Never heard of it. Oh well. 'Four: Teach him how to sing "My Favorite Things" just as well as Filch sings "It's a Hard Knock Life." Five: While wearing an invisibility cloak, tell Peeves that you're the Bloody Barron, and go into a lengthy discussion about a six-month journey to find buried treasure that he must go on. Laugh when he doesn't appear for half a year and has to go tell the real Bloody Barron that he didn't find any treasure. Six: Tell the Bloody Barron that Peeves has been doing good. Seven: Tell him that the Bloody Baron is your great-great grandfather and see if he acts any nicer to you.'"  
  
"Don't think he would. He hates the living too much."  
  
"Eight: Tell him that the Bloody Baron is now taking orders from Filch. And finally: Wear a bowtie just like his and walk around bumping into walls and throwing random things saying, "Oi, I'm Peeves!"' That would be really fun, actually."  
  
Throughout the entire reading of this list, many people broke out into more fits of giggles, including George.  
  
"Well," said Fred, rolling up the lists, "I'm overall very pleased with how things went today."  
  
"Best yet, I think," George added.  
  
"Yes, we aren't disappointed at all. Not even with the first years."  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
"Yes, well, we'll go back and decide who'll win this time."  
  
"We'll be back sometime before class starts on Tuesday."  
  
"So grab some Wizard Wheezes, cuz you might be here a while." And with identical winks, they retreated up the staircase to the boys dormitories.  
  
"We've got it," Seamus said at once. "There's no way that we aren't going to win. Did you see George laughing during ours?"  
  
Perhaps they would win? Overall, they had the best out of everyone. Harry didn't seem quite in the mood to resume his Charms homework, so he sat and listened to Seamus's hopeful gloating.  
  
Some ten minutes later, Fred and George reentered the common room to find many screams and claps echoing around them.  
  
"Yes, yes, I know," Fred said. "We've already determined that we're brilliant. Thank you, though!"  
  
"Well, we have come to a decision."  
  
"It was very hard, mind you."  
  
"So we hope that you're all pleased."  
  
"Well, they won't be, though, would they, that is if they lost."  
  
"Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be too fun."  
  
"But there is always next week."  
  
"So don't give up hope."  
  
"Everyone still has a chance to be excellent troublemakers!"  
  
"Now," continued George, "let's get right onto the best part - winning!" Several cheers followed.  
  
"Second place goes to the forth years for asking him how he died and then laughing!"  
  
"What do you know," George added, "they can do something without Ginny."  
  
"Though Ginny's was better."  
  
"She's got what it takes."  
  
"And first place and one hundred points goes to -"  
  
"The third years for getting Peeves to go on a never-ending treasure hunt!"  
  
"What!" Several of the fifth years yelled in outrage. However, they were not heard over the commotion that the third years were making.  
  
When the noise died down, George said, "Well, done, everyone."  
  
"Yes, excellent job."  
  
"Now as we said, there is always next week. Our buddie is - wait, Fred, who's our next victim?"  
  
"It's - er - oh, yes! A git if ever there was one."  
  
"Now I remember! Ladies and gentlemen, for next week, we would like you to find the top 56 Ways to Annoy Malfoy!"  
  
Without any more being said, they jumped off of the table and returned to the boy's dormitory.  
  
"That's not right!" Ron complained, slumping down into an armchair. "We should have won!"  
  
Though it was an injustice, Harry couldn't argue himself. It wasn't all bad. Even though they didn't win this time, he'd have a lot of fun humiliating Malfoy.  
  
~*~You know what to do. I need ways to annoy Malfoy - Harry's rival. That chapter should be up sooner, and I'm going to have a lot of fun writing it. He's so awesomely evil. So review! Clickity click click click!  
  
Carmen 


	5. Chapter 5: The Top Way to Annoy Malfoy

Disclaimer: me = nothing *runs away crying*  
  
Dedication: Hmm.Let's see.who should this chapter be dedicated to? All of my reviewers ever!!! I love you!  
  
~*~ Soooooooooooo close to 100.Com on.Thank you so much to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Malfoy. I didn't think that I would get so many. Nearly 150 different ways! I only need 48 for this chapter! Thank you, though. I couldn't use all of them, though it wanted to so! It was so hard to think of new ones that you all haven't thought of. So, this chapter is basically made up of your ideas! Then I added a few things. It was so much fun to write this time. Sorry if I don't mention everyone who's I picked. There were just so many, I couldn't keep track. Well, I'm done. Hope you like it! Happy reading!  
  
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The fifth years were all seated around the fire on Saturday night anxiously awaiting the entrance of Fred and George.  
  
"This is it. We're going to win for sure today," Ron muttered. Harry had to admit, if they did everything on their list to annoy Malfoy, not only would he be annoyed beyond reason, but all of the Gryffindor fifth years would most likely be kicked out of school.  
  
As Harry smiled at the thought of tormenting Malfoy, Ron read over their list for the sixteenth time, muttering to himself.  
  
Parvati leaned to Harry's ear, yet watching Ron reproachfully. "Do you think he's alright?" she asked tentatively.  
  
"The losing streak of ours is really getting to him, isn't it," Dean chimed in.  
  
It was true. Since last Saturday, Ron spent nearly every waking moment devoted to the contest. It was beginning to get a little scary.  
  
"But, hey," Dean said, "At least we'll probably win."  
  
"I wouldn't get your hopes up," Parvati whispered. "Have you seen the points lately?"  
  
A deep booming voice suddenly echoed across the common room. Everyone turned toward the staircase. "In the name of Slytherin, we -"  
  
"Shh! You're not doing it right," came another voice in an audible whisper. "Let me."  
  
"Fine," the first voice answered.  
  
The second voice rang, "In the name of Salazar Slytherin, greatest git of the Hogwarts four, I order everyone to bow down to us!" Two identical figures with bright blond hair appeared at the top of the staircase for a moment before they tripped and tumbled head first down the stairs. After the last thud was heard, Fred and George stood up, blond hair and all. They were greeted by the most cheerful laughter yet.  
  
Staggering slightly, they climbed on top of their table, slipping on a few books here and there.  
  
"Wow, George, that was a fantastic entrance if I do say so myself," Fred said.  
  
"Yes, indeed, Fred. You see," he said turning to the awaiting audience, "It is most helpful when causing mayhem to fully understand your victim."  
  
"Even if that means becoming a blond git." The two of them then turned to the wall opposite and stared at it with their mouths open slightly and a confused expression on their faces.  
  
It was an extremely strange sight, indeed, to see the odd combination of stupidity, cleverness, blond hair, and freckles standing before them in the Gryffindor common room.  
  
They continued to stare off into space for another minute or so. Then Fred said, "All right then. On with the humiliation," and they snapped out of their trance.  
  
Routinely, seven people went to the front of the room, parchment in hand. When everything was collected, Fred said, "So, what is the best way to annoy Malfoy?"  
  
"Dye his hair red and tell him he looks pretty!" Lee Jordan shouted.  
  
With a puzzled look on his face, George bent over the first list and said, "Oddly enough, you didn't write that down."  
  
"Good one, though," Fred added.  
  
"I told you," Lee hissed at the other seventh years.  
  
"Anyway, we'll start with the seventh years," George said as he cleared his throat. "'One: Give him a kiss.'" At this he covered his ears, ready for an explosion from Fred, but it didn't come.  
  
Fred merely grinned at Angelina. "Well, I do have an uncanny resemblance to Malfoy at the moment. So, how about a kiss?" Angelina blushed, and ran up to the front of the room. Fred bent down and she kissed him on the cheek. She returned to her chair followed by an eruption of giggles from her friends.  
  
"Oh, only on the cheek?" George said with a smile as Fred straightened up seeming very pleased with himself.  
  
"I take what I can get," Fred said shrugging.  
  
"Well, as interesting as your love life is, I say we get on with the contest," George said, returning to the list. "'Two: Ask him if he's a natural blond, and say, 'That explains a lot,' when he says yes. Three: Strap him down and wash out all of his hair gel.' Oh, hair jokes. 'Four: Put toothpaste in his hair gel. The next day, say, 'Why, Malfoy, your hair smells minty fresh today!' That's great. Oh, here's one that's not hair- related. 'Tell him you tried to be like him but you couldn't get your head that far up your bum.'"  
  
"Excuse me, but I don't think that is very appropriate for the first years to hear," Fred said, raising his hand.  
  
"I'll allow it," George muttered. "'Six: Give him a perm. Tell him his hair would look so cute all bouncy-like. Seven: Use polyjuice potion to turn your self into Crabbe, run up to Malfoy and hug him and say 'I love you! I always have!' And eight: Get Snape fired and Hagrid a pay raise.'"  
  
"Yes!" Lee shouted.  
  
"Hagrid does disserve one, too," George nodded with confidence.  
  
"Well, that was very nice. Let's have the sixth years now. 'One: Tell him that if he looks really close, he'll discover that he's his own uncle.'" Fred snorted with laughter. "Maybe that's why he's slightly deformed," he spluttered. "Okay. 'Two: Mess up his hair. Three: Ask him when he and Snape set the date. Four: Tell dumb blonde jokes rather loudly and obnoxiously whenever he passes.' Oh, how nice. Blond jokes. 'Five: Charm Gummy Bears to follow him around singing 'Another Dumb Blonde' Six: Ask him just how big his house is, then while he's talking, stare at his hair and then say 'Oh I'm sorry, are you still talking? It's just your hair... I can practically see myself reflected in it. How much gel do you use anyway?'"  
  
"Let me do some," George said. "'Seven: Tell him his roots are showing. And Eight: Tell him he has split ends from dying his hair so much."  
  
"Really?" Fred asked in a concerned way, looking at his own hair.  
  
George turned toward him. "Please tell me your joking."  
  
"My hair won't be pretty with split ends though," Fred muttered, frowning and pealing two pieces of hair apart.  
  
"Okay, this is just too weird, even for me" he said. He pulled out his wand, tapped his head, and a bright red color spread across the blond. Within a second, there wasn't a trace of blond hair on his head. He turned to Fred who was attempting to see how a single strand of hair would look in different lighting. "Do you need some help?"  
  
"I think I'll keep it like this for a while. See how it glistens?"  
  
George was stunned. "Okay. Maybe you need a timeout until you can think more clearly. Sit down. I said - sit." And Fred sat down on the bench next to the table, all the time fiddling with his hair. "Well then, let's just go on. Fourth years. "'One: Whenever Malfoy says something about Gryffindors, say, "You only insult what you love." Two: Draw a scar on his forehead while he's sleeping.' And the Harry Potter Fan Club is back! 'Three: Wear I Love Harry Potter badges.' Haven't seen that one in a while. 'Four: Put a permanent sticking charm on I Love Harry Potter badges, and put them on all of the Slytherin's foreheads. Five: Call him a 'Harry Potter Wannabe.' Six: When he asks why everyone likes Harry better than him, answer, "Well, there were all of those times when he beat you at quiditch, gave you detention, got you scared."' And many others. 'Seven: Cast a spell on Crabbe and Goyle to sing Harry's praises at every possible moment. Eight: Talk loudly about how Mad-Eye Moody is returning to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and how thrilled he is about the "no transfiguring students" rule being abolished.' Well that was fun. Better now, Fred?" he asked, turning to his brother.  
  
Fred was now sitting on the floor with several girls around him. "You're hair is just so long and flowy. I'm so jealous," Fred said, braiding a sixth year's hair.  
  
"Okay," George said, jumping off the table and pulling Fred to his feet. "This is just - scary. This is for your own good, you know." With a tap of his wand, Fred's hair became flaming red once more.  
  
Fred looked shocked for a moment as he slowly looked around him. "What just happened?" he asked tentatively.  
  
"Trust me, you don't want to know."  
  
Fred shrugged and grabbed the next parchment. They walked up onto the table once more. "First years now. 'One: Tell him that Harry got transferred to Slytherin.'"  
  
"Typical," George muttered.  
  
"'Two: Tell him that there's a rumor that he's engaged to Hermione.'"  
  
"Hermione won't like that."  
  
"'Tell him he got transferred to Gryffindor.'"  
  
"Not creative in the slightest."  
  
"'Call him Dracie-poo.'"  
  
"Oh, daring!" George said.  
  
"'Five: Tell him that Umbridge went to Azkaban along with Snape.'" At this the entire hall rang in approval.  
  
"Down with Umbridge!" George shouted.  
  
"It wouldn't be so bad if she took Snape down with her, either. 'Six: Change the Slytherin colors to green and pink. Seven: Dye his hair red and gold. And eight: Put poison in the sweets that he gets from home.' Well, technically he would be dead before he could be annoyed."  
  
"But that works," George said with approval.  
  
"Now, fifth years!"  
  
"Yes!" Ron said under his breath.  
  
"'One,'" George began, "'Slip three-hundred ferrets into the Slytherin common room. Two: Steal his wand, snap it in half, and send it to him for Christmas.' What a nice present. 'Tell him that Ron's wand isn't broken any more, unlike his own, and he should watch who he's calling a Mudblood unless he wants to burp up slugs.' I remember that. How pleasant. 'Four: Pass out tickets to see Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing Ferret. Five: Have Dobby go in front of the school and start telling all of the embarrassing things about Malfoy that he knows...'Oh yes, Dobby had to change Malfoy's sheets a lot, the young master was always wetting the bed...''" Ron smirked from across the room as Fred and George laughed outright. "Think we could really do that? How perfect! 'Six: Get Polyjuice Potion to Snape's specifications and take 200 points from Slytherin for 'offensive body odor.' Seven: While talking with him, stare at the middle of his forehead. Stare at it first very confused, then scared, then intrigued, offended, awed, then laugh openly. Eventually he'll forget what he was saying and lose his train of though.' That would be so excellent." At that moment the twins looked up with the blank expression on their faces. They came back to reality with a few laughs. "Okay, let's see what the last one is. 'Buy a pink teddy bear and sent it to him with a howler. Charm your voice so it sounds like his mother's and yell: HOW DARE YOU FORGET THIS? DID YOU FORGET THAT WITHOUT THIS YOU CAN'T SLEEP? I DON'T WANT MY BABY TO STAY WITHOUT HIS BEAUTY SLEEP! AND YOUR FATHER WAS THE ONE WHO BOUGHT IT JUST FOR OUR SWEET ANGEL! SO BE A GOOD BOY AND DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR EVERY DAY! That's my sweetie!' Oh, he'd be our sweetie too if we could see that happen."  
  
The entire hall echoed with laughter. "Let's keep going," Fred said. "Third year. 'One: Curse him to sing 'Dancing Queen' in front of the entire school. Make sure there is a dance routine involved.' Excellent. More singing. 'Tell Crabbe and Goyle that you'll give them each a muffin if they ditch Malfoy.' Hmm. Muffins. 'Three: Have multiple females attach themselves to Dobby and walk past Malfoy saying how much sexier he is than Malfoy. Tell him that Dobby's a real man.' Ah, another one with our friend Dobby in it. 'Four: Slip Veritaserum into his pumpkin juice at breakfast and ask him highly incriminating questions about his dad being a Death Eater, and of course, which hair dye and gel he uses. Five: Send him an anonymous love letter, and bribe Eloise Midgeon to wink at him and grin flirtingly when he reads the letter.' Now that's just mean. 'Six: Give him a white ferret and tell him it looks just like him. Seven: Charm a stuffed ferret to follow him around (when hexed the ferret replicates at an exponential rate) and the masses of ferrets continue to follow him. Eight: Transform his wand into a portkey so that he teleports into a Peruvian Vipertooth Dragon reservation.' That would be fun to watch." Fred trod on the spot with his arms in the air screaming, "Help me, my hair's caught on fire!"  
  
After the laughter for this died down, Lee Jordan made his way up to the front and whispered something into George's ear.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen," George said, "We have just been informed that some people took offense to our previous statements about blonds. It must be known - that I am not to be held responsible for Fred's actions."  
  
"Hey!" Fred said. "You're the one who put that spell on me in the first place!"  
  
"Okay, then, I am held responsible for my brother's actions, but please know that we are not making fun of all blonds, just ones named Malfoy."  
  
"Here, here!" Lee said.  
  
"Well, let's read the last list, the second years. 'One: Tamper with his dinner and when he pokes his fork into the food, make it sing, 'Do you really want to hurt me? OW! Do you really want to make me cry?'' Very creative," George said, nodding. "'Two: Use polyjuice potion to turn into one of his cronies and follow him around. Flirt with him and kiss him.' I think something to that extent has already been mentioned, but sure! 'Three: Dye his hair and clothes the Gryffindor colors.' That's been done also. Liked the first one, though. 'Four: Ask him for makeup and hairstyling types.' There we go. 'Five: Tell them that all seven of the Holyhead Harpies will kiss him if he alone killed a full grown Hungarian Horntail Dragon.'" Once again, Fred put on his impression of Malfoy screaming with his head on fire. "'Six: Tell him that he's the prettiest girl at Hogwarts. Seven: Have a first year muggleborn run up to him yelling, 'How's my best friend in the whole wide world doing?' and give him a big hug. Eight: Find a picture of him as a child with some embarrassing childhood comfort toy, and doctor it to make it pink (if it already isn't). Then stick it up above the teacher's table with a permanent sticking charm.' How sweet - pink."  
  
By this time the common room was full of nothing but smiles and laughter.  
  
"This is a really tough round to judge."  
  
"Yes, it is, George."  
  
"Well, we'll be back in three minutes and thirty seconds," Fred said with a wink. With that, they left up the stairs.  
  
While the rest of the hall erupted into joyous chatter, the fifth years remained silent. If they didn't win, Ron would be likely to crack, and they didn't want to get him hopes up.  
  
Several minutes later, Fred and George came down the stairs - this time walking, not falling.  
  
"I have to say that this is one of the best chapters yet!" Fred shouted to get everyone's attention. The sound of clapping filled the hall.  
  
"As always, it was a very hard to decide who should win."  
  
"But we managed."  
  
"We all know that we have to get onto our lives -"  
  
"That is those of us who have lives -"  
  
"So we'll just get to the point. Third place goes to -"  
  
"Bum, bum, bum!"  
  
"Second year for finding the embarrassing picture of Malfoy and graciously letting the whole school see it!"  
  
"And first place goes to -third year for telling Malfoy that Dobby's a real man." The third years' cries of happiness echoed through the common room.  
  
Ron swore loudly, but could not be heard over the shouts from the sixth years' side of the hall.  
  
Once the noise died down, Fred said, "So, the points are now second year - 150 points, seventh year - 100, fourth year - 150, third year - 200 points, fifth, sixth and first - none, sorry 'bout that."  
  
"So now, I expect you want us to tell you who our next buddy is," George said.  
  
"Well, let's see, we've had two Slytherins, a ghost, and a rotten squib. So we've decided to switch things around a bit."  
  
"That's right. Next week, we're going to be annoying our dear Professor McGonagall." He bowed his head as several people clapped with approval.  
  
"Happy writing!" Fred said waving.  
  
Harry looked over at Ron. There was a determined look in his eye as he took a spare quill and began scratching on a piece of parchment.  
  
~*~ Well, that was fun. Yes? No? Funny or just sad? Well, you know what to do! Love, Carmen  
  
PS Really quick - Thanks to everyone who reads The Mystery of Stone Mansion and wished me a happy birthday - it was last week. You're so awesome!  
  
A last minute addition: Another way to annoy Malfoy: Give him a part in Hogwarts: The Musical singing "Dancing Queen" AND "I Feel Pretty." 


	6. Chapter 6: The Top Way to Annoy McGonaga

Disclaimer: *sigh* I don't own anything. How many times do I have to tell you?  
  
Dedication: To everyone - correction, anyone - who read my original story, tried to review it, but couldn't because I accidentally clicked on the box that said I don't accept anonymous reviews. Opps!  
  
~*~Many, many thanks to everyone for the fabulous ways to annoy McGonagall. They were stupendous! Amazing! Fabulous! I'm still laughing. I collected more or less 140 possible ways just from you! Wow! Thanks! Keep it up! Also, a big hug to those of you who felt pity for poor Professor McGonagall. So sad. Oh, some of you are asking why 5th year isn't winning. Just remember that the best don't always get what they deserve. *hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, raise eyebrows* Hmm, did I say too much? Anyway, updated! Read!  
  
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE  
  
Chapter 6  
  
All week, the students were buzzing about ways to annoy Professor McGonagall. Most were more than happy to think of such ways, but some were rather uneasy. This included Harry. McGonagall was never mean to him, specifically, like the others were. In his second year, hadn't she prevented him from being expelled? Reluctantly, Harry decided to go along with it. It was just a game, after all.  
  
Hermione, however, took a more radical approach. As soon as she learned that Professor McGonagall was to be the next victim, she marched right up to Fred and George who were in the common room, no doubt plotting who should be the next "buddy."  
  
"How about Lockhart?" George asked.  
  
"No, anyone below fourth year doesn't know about him," Fred answered, shaking his head.  
  
"What right do you have to do that to Professor McGonagall. I'm not denying that Malfoy didn't deserve it, but what did McGonagall ever do to you?" she demanded, Prefect badge gleaming.  
  
Fred looked up from his parchment. "Come on, Hermione, it's just a game."  
  
"Well, like I said before, this game could get you guys into a lot of trouble."  
  
"Who's going to tell on us?" George asked. "You?"  
  
"You never know, I just might."  
  
"You'll have a job doing that," Fred continued.  
  
"Why's that?" she asked, crossing her arms in front of her.  
  
"We've put a hex on the entire school," George said. "And if someone tries to tell a teacher, than they'll forget what they were going to say, confess some other random secret, and then boils will spring up on their face."  
  
"Seems like you've gone through a lot of trouble," Hermione said scathingly.  
  
"Well, we had to, didn't we?" Fred said.  
  
"What exactly is this hex, then?" she asked.  
  
"Equininean. Why?"  
  
"Never mind. I still don't think that you should do this to Professor McGonagall, though. Just think about, okay?"  
  
"Okay, we'll think about it."  
  
And without any more said, she tramped out of the Gryffindor Tower.  
  
***  
  
"Welcome to the Top 49 Ways to Annoy Professor McGonagall!" Fred shouted over the commotion in the common room that Saturday night. Each year was congregated into their respected corners, and the twins were in the front of the room, wearing kilts and cat ears. Seven papers were brought to his hands the moment they walked into the room as everyone was anxious to begin.  
  
"Let's get started. I know that we all have Transfiguration homework to do," he said. "Third year. One: At Halloween, carve a pumpkin that looks like her. Make the bun out of hairballs that you claim she coughed up in her catlike state." A few people giggled. "Two: Ask her how long she and Dumbledore have been going out. Is there much of an age difference? Three: Pretend you can't see her. Look around and announce that, since the teacher has not arrived, you will teach the class. Proceed to teach her. Four: Bring a crystal ball with you to class, and predict that something horrible will happen to you. When she says to stop fooling around with that nonsense and get to work, yell, "Oh, no! Real work! Something horrible did happen!"  
  
"No!" George shouted. "Work! The most horrid thing in the English language!"  
  
"Five: Ask her a question about a very complex spell, and when she's done, look up from your divination homework and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Care to explain it again?" Six: Put a spell on her so she can only speak Japanese. Tell the class, "I don't know what's wrong with her. It's like she's not even talking in English." Seven: Never speak English, or Japanese. Speak Hebrew just to confuse her more. What a great start to annoy our favorite professor."  
  
"Next! First year!" George shouted. "One: Each time she demonstrates a spell, giggle and whisper, "Amateur.""  
  
"And that's coming from a first year!"  
  
"Two: Every time you see her, ask, "What's new, pussycat?" Three: Offer her a Skiving Snackbox at a bargain price. Four: Make Trelawny Rulz McGonagall Droolz badges. Didn't third year suggest that at the very start? Not very creative guys, but if it works. Five: Put a dungbomb in her bun. Six: Sing the Meow Mix song through all of her classes. And Seven: Send her kitty treats with a love letter from Snape. What a cute couple."  
  
To their surprise, nearly everyone in the tower was smiling. "Hmm, not bad first years."  
  
"Finally up to scratch. Well, almost," George said.  
  
"Next is sixth years. One: Send her a love letter, sign it Snape. Be sure to mention how sexy her hair is. Now what's the age difference of them? Two: Give her a picture of what she and Snape's children might look like. Eww," Fred shuttered. "Bad mental picture. Anyway, three: Put rum into her glass and Snape's, and see what happens. Like I said, 'Eww.' Four: Have Peeves "improve" her wardrobe."  
  
"No doubt it will look like this, only pink, brown and green," George interrupted, gesturing to his kilt.  
  
"Five: Transfigure her hair from a tight bun into long, silky, flowing, blond hair that seems to blow gently as if in a gentle breeze. McGonagall a veela. I think I'm going to say this a lot today, but, eww. Six: If she tries to give you detention, say, "Come on, Professor. Didn't you ever get caught snogging someone in the broom closet when you were in school?" Watch her reaction." He tried to conceal his laughter. "Bet it was Snape. Well, seven: Send her a bouquet of flowers with a card that reads: To My luv muffin From Sir Studly Snape." This time, Fred wasn't able to keep his laughter to himself. "Luv muffin," he muttered in between loud giggles.  
  
"I'll handle the next one. More fun for me," George said, grabbing the next list. "Seventh year!" he shouted to much applause. "One: Call her McGonagoggle. Yet again, seventh year has proven how immature they are." There were several shrieks of joy from the seventh years as if that was their goal all along. "Two: When she's asleep, stick fake fur over her face, and when she gets up, ask why she's decided to come to breakfast in her animagus form. Three: Get Fred to kiss her."  
  
"Oh, come on, Angelina," Fred said, once again, trying not to laugh. "I would never. You're my luv muffin." And he doubled over laughing again.  
  
"My turn: Eww. A bit of an over share. Well, on with the show," George said. "Four: Look up suddenly in the middle of her lecture and ask, "How were we supposed to transfigure matches into needles again?" That would make her mad. Five: Invite the Ravenclaws into Gryffindor common room for a party at midnight."  
  
"Yes!" Fred exclaimed, recovering from his spurts of laughter. "Unsupervised party in the common room!"  
  
"Six: Make widely available transfiguration techniques immature students don't need to know about. Whoa, is that appropriate for the first years to hear? Oh, well; they'll hear soon enough. Seven: Invite her to a social event in Gryffindor common room. The event just happens to be Fred and George reading the Top 49 Ways to Annoy McGonagall."  
  
"Oh, we're touched," Fred said, whipping away a fake tear. "How about fourth year. One: Walk up to her and say, "I don't care what everyone else says Professor, I still say you don't look a day over 60." Err...Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?...Two: Organize a kitty party for her, Mrs. Norris and Crookshanks. Serve milk and catnip. Three: Ask her if she and Crookshanks had a good night on the town last night."  
  
"Ooh, Hermione's cat and McGonagall. But is it better than McGonagoogle and Snape?"  
  
"Four: Dangle a sock full of catnip in her face; see if she tries to catch it. Five: Cover her classroom with kitty litter. As I once said - Eww. Six: Convince Peeves to destroy all of the OWL tests." At this, the fifth years cheered, along with the fourth who would have to take them the following year.  
  
"Wish he would have done that our fifth year."  
  
"Hey, think we could convince Peeves to get rid of our N.E.W.T. tests?"  
  
George shrugged. "That's something to think about. What if we -" He suddenly became aware that everyone was still watching him. "Oh, sorry, that information is classified."  
  
"Let's go on, shall we? Seven: When she gets mad at you, hiss at her."  
  
"Fifth year," George continued.  
  
Harry looked over at Ron who was smiling broadly. 'Will we win this week?' Harry thought to himself. It just seemed so unfair. They had had some of the best suggestions the last couple times, but still hadn't received a single point. The only other team doing as worse as they were was the first years. Why weren't they winning? This feeling of injustice was nothing to how Ron felt, however.  
  
"One," George said, bringing Harry back to consciousness, "Get Malfoy to tell her that her tight bun doesn't work with her complexion, as it causes some light pattern dryness in the scalp."  
  
"Great," Fred said, "Detention for Malfoy and laughs for us."  
  
"Two: Ask her if she could change her desk into Professor Snape again. When she argues that she never has turned it into Snape, remind her "Yes you did, it was one of the first things you showed us EVER! Although, he looked slightly shorter, rounder and pinker...And not to mention he was on all fours..." Three: Do your Divination homework in her class; ask her for help. Four: Go into a trance in her class and say in a deep voice, "The strength of the school is waning... One has come who intends to destroy us... The one with the face like a toad will conquer... And ones without talent will teach all the classes... Beware, for all who stand in her way are in mortal peril... The one with a face like a toad is here..."" The twins couldn't help but laugh aloud.  
  
"The one with a face like a toad." Fred said overdramatically. "Yes!" They soon managed to retain their laughter long enough to finish their list.  
  
"Five: Run up to her, hug her, and say "Aw, your such a pretty kitty! But I think we need to get you spayed!" Six: Tell her that Harry is quitting Quidditch so he can spend more time getting himself landed in detention. But we need you mate!" George said, indignantly. "And seven: Start talking in a Scottish accent whenever near her, saying stuff like "Ye canne take me wee lassy from me, laddy!"" They doubled over in silent laughter once again.  
  
Harry glanced at Ron who smiled still more broadly. He turned and winked at Harry. They had this one for sure.  
  
"Okay, okay. We have, what, err, second year!" Fred said when they were able to control themselves. "One: One word - catnip. Two: Transfigure your assignment into a mouse. When she approaches you, yell, "No! You can't eat Harold!" Three: Call Transfiguration "Transmortification." When she corrects you, call it "Transmigration," then "Transflagration." Four: When she asks you a question, answer "Forty-two." When she gets confused, explain that the answer to everything is forty-two. Five: Hyperventilate whenever she says they'll be transfiguring something today. Work - the scariest thing in the universe." He shuttered. "Six: When she asks you to transfigure something, transfigure it into a dungbomb and throw it at her. And the last possible way to annoy Professor McGonagall: Call her the Wicked Witch of the West and have dozens of Umbridge clones dance around her in circles singing, "We welcome you to Umbridge Land.""  
  
As the final bit of laughter died down from the room, Fred caught everyone's attention. "Well, that's it."  
  
"It did seem rather short, though, didn't it?"  
  
"Short but sweet. We'll be down in a moment to tell you who won." With that said, they exited up the stairs to the boy's dormitories.  
  
There was much cheerful murmuring among the students. They waited several minutes before Fred and George made their way back down the stairs. They hopped into the table at the front of the room as everyone cheered. Fred cleared his throat.  
  
"Well, it took a while, but we've decided. Second place goes to second year for having Umbridges dance around her singing. Fifty points for you!" The second years' cheers filled the hall.  
  
"Yes, yes. Now, first place goes to - oh, by the way, we're offering to do anyone's transfiguration homework if they agree to be testers for our Skiving Snackboxes. We're still working out a few bugs. Literally. Details -"  
  
"Oh, get on with it!" someone from the opposite side of the room called.  
  
"Okay, okay. First place goes to - seventh year for sticking fur over her face for the school to enjoy!" The seventh years supporters - or the seventh years, themselves - erupted with applause.  
  
"Bless the seventh years; you are wonderful!" Fred said, beaming.  
  
"But, wait! That's not all."  
  
"That's right. We've picked the prefect buddy for next week."  
  
"There's no better."  
  
"Next week, we'll be finding the Top 42 Ways to Annoy our favorite Prefect - Hermione Granger!"  
  
As the laughter died away and several people went up to bed, Harry got over the initial shock. He looked over at Ron who was still staring openmouthed at his twin brothers. His face fell, and he slowly got up, and trudged up the stairs to the dormitories.  
  
~*~Oh no! Not Hermione! Poor Hermione. I love her so much, but this is what the Weasley twins in my head said they wanted. *shrug* So, with much regret, I do need ways to annoy Hermione. Please? Also I love your reviews. They make me so happy. Lots of love, Carmen 


	7. Chapter 7: The Top Way to Annoy Hermione

Dedication: To whoever thought of fanfiction. It amuses me so much.  
  
~*~Thanks to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Hermione. I'm not evil. Trust me. I love Hermione so much. In fact, I'm very much like her: perfectionist, bookworm, and all that. This is just the way the story goes. So read on!  
  
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE  
  
Chapter 7  
  
"Welcome to the Top 42 Ways to Annoy Hermione!" Fred shouted over the applause the next Saturday. This time, the twins had managed to charm their red hair into a dark brownish color identical to Hermione's. They had also made their hair so bushy that it looked like something very close to an afro.  
  
"The great Prefects of Mischief demand that we begin!" George yelled as each year brought their parchment up to the front table.  
  
Once they had all of the papers, Fred spoke. "Let's start with - hang on, we're missing one," he said, shuffling through the papers in his hand. "Where's fifth year?"  
  
Everyone in the hall looked around, but there were absolutely no fifth years in the common room. The only other person absent was Ginny, which wasn't quite a surprise, as she refused to participate in the contest since she heard about annoying Mrs. Norris.  
  
"Their loss," George muttered, shrugging. "On with the show!"  
  
"You know, George and I were thinking," Fred began.  
  
"Oh! Well, that's something you haven't done before," Angelina yelled. "If you did that more often, maybe you wouldn't be such a prat!" George shook his head. Nearly the entire room knew that she and Fred had their first fight just that week. Apparently they weren't taking it well.  
  
"Yes, well, if someone would just compromise instead of being power- hungry, maybe I wouldn't be such a prat!" Fred retorted.  
  
"What did we say before, Fred?" George said, turning to his brother. "Keep your problems to yourself. The entire Gryffindor tower doesn't need to hear them."  
  
Fred took a deep breath before continuing. "Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, George and I were doing some thinking about the best way to annoy our dear friend Hermione - because she is our friend, you know," he added.  
  
"Well, we decided that our favorite way to bug her would be to use our dear little brother Ronnikin's amazing pickup line of, 'Hey, you're a girl, aren't you?'"  
  
Fred shook his head smiling. "We can learn so much from him."  
  
"Although stealing all of her books and use them as plates, frisbees, stacking blocks and stuff is appealing."  
  
"So let's see what you've come up with. Third year. One: Dress up like her and go around with your nose in a book bumping into things. Two: Practice the levitating spell loudly whenever she is within earshot. Stubbornly insist it is pronounced 'Wen-gur-dum Lev-o-sa' when she tries to correct you."  
  
"But of course it is. That is the spell for whenever you want to make someone grow feathers out of their head," George said matter-of-factly. Then he realized that everyone was staring at him. "Did I say that out loud?"  
  
"Yes, but no one heard it," Fred said, turning to the crowd and giving them a wink. "Three: Offer to hand out the marked transfiguration papers, and put a T on it that only she can see. Watch as she frantically runs around asking teachers about it. Four: Alter a picture so that it looks like she is snogging Malfoy." Fred shuttered. "Ewww. Anyway, five: Scrub the common room floor with her elf hats. Say loudly, 'Yeah, I found these rags under some parchment. They work wonders on the dirt.'"  
  
"So that's what those are for!"  
  
"And six: Say, 'Oh, yes, I went over to Vicky Krum's over the summer. We're quite fond of each other.' Show her a love letter seemingly written in his handwriting."  
  
"Well, that's a good start. Let's go onto the second years. One: Hex her so all she can do is talk weird...'Hey, like professor, what do you mean sit down? I am sitting... oh you mean take out your wands? Sorry.'"  
  
"She'd be worse than us!"  
  
"Two: Tell her that McGonnagal quit to go on her summer fling Crookshanks Three: Tell her that Professor Snape was seen making out with a photo of her."  
  
"I've been doing this a lot lately, but - Ewww."  
  
"Four: Tell her that you just found out you failed your big Transfiguration exam. Then confess that you copied from her paper. Five: Cast a spell on her books so that all the words will magically erase whenever she opens one. Oh, dear, what would she do?" He gave a short laugh. "Six: Steal her diary and tell her that a little cat with shredded remains of paper caught in its claws told you about her secret obsession with Ron."  
  
"You see, isn't it obvious? Even we can see that they're madly in love." Fred batted his eyelashes and said, "Oh, Ron!" The room went silent as everyone stared at him. He stopped and looked around. "What? Okay, let's just move on," he said, shaking off a dead weight by rolling his shoulders back. "Seventh years!"  
  
As always, there was a great applause from the other side of the room. "Okay, okay, settle down now. One: Ask her how magic works, and when she begins explaining say, 'No, no, you have it all wrong. Magic comes from inside living things, and it gathers together in little streams that join together to become ley-lines, which eventually join with other ley-lines at nodes...' Two: Be Fred and George. So true."  
  
"We're honored!" George said, and they both took a deep bow.  
  
"Three: In her sleep, bleach her hair and style it into spikes. Would it look better than this, though?" Fred said, pointing to his own hair and smiling. "Four: Burn all the books and tell her that the teachers have left the school."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Five: Sneak into her room at 2 A.M. and make a loud popping noise with your wand. When she wakes up, say, "Damn. Just apparated in and missed my target. Sorry." Then walk out. Six: Look skeptically at her and Fred." At this Fred paused and looked up at Angelina with a questionable expression. "Are you still making that joke?" Angelina merely looked away from him. He paused for a moment, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Look, Angelina," he finally blurted out, stepping down from the table, "I'm sorry about that whole thing. It was my fault. Let's just not fight anymore, okay?" He was standing next to Angelina now, who was looking at the floor. After yet another awkward pause, she looked up smiling and gave Fred a hug. There were many catcalls and whistles coming from the other seventh years, but it was a while before they heard them. Then, quite suddenly, Fred said, "Hey, why's everyone looking at me? Gosh, some people are just so nosy."  
  
George laughed and picked up the next list. "Okay. Here we go with fourth years. One: Tell her she doesn't have what it takes to be good at Divinations."  
  
"They told us that," Fred said, from his new seat next to his girlfriend. "All because our predictions had to do with Filch falling into the lake." He shook his head. "But we were so good!"  
  
"Remember what we talked about. Two: Then tell her that Arithmancy is just another form of Divination. Three: Worship Professor Trelawny. Four: Get Parvati and Lavender to give her a makeover."  
  
"But she wouldn't look prettier than you, Angelina!" Fred said, beaming.  
  
"Five: Lock her in a broom closet with Malfoy and tell them to be friends."  
  
"Eww!" Fred shouted, actually falling out of his seat.  
  
"Six: Boast about how you saw a Crumple-Horned Snorcack on holiday and that Luna Lovegood actually caught one."  
  
As the steady laughs died down, George took the next list off the top of the pile. "Next we have -," he glanced at the heading. "Oh, great. Fred come on! It's your turn! Stop snogging your girlfriend and come read the first years!"  
  
"Fine," Fred said, trudging back up to the table. He sighed. "I hope you know you ruined a perfectly good moment. Okay. One: Don't do your homework. Simple, yet it works. Two: Charm your hair to be bushy and brown."  
  
"Oh, but we already have!" George said.  
  
"Three: Get better grades than her. Of course that would annoy her! A first year beating her! Four: Tell her that you've got a date with Ron tonight. Here we go! Five: Start singing 'Ron and Hermione, sitting in a tree, K-I-S- S-I-N-G!' whenever you see them together, even if Harry's with them. And six: Lock her and Ron in a broom cupboard and tell them to stop fighting and be 'friends.'"  
  
At this, something happened that no one in the hall expected. George stepped off the table, walked up to a cowering first year and wrapped his arm around his shoulder. "Very good, I approve," he said smiling. "You know," he added thoughtfully, "I never knew that the first years would suggest something like that. Take that, Ron!"  
  
Then, something even more shocking occurred. The portrait hole opened and in strolled Hermione closely followed by Ginny. They walked in silence, heads held high, with triumphant and superior looks on their faces. Then, to everyone's surprise, they walked up the staircase to the boy's dormitories. As they heard a distant door close, Fred and George burst out with laughter.  
  
"Looks like they don't need that broom cupboard, eh?" Fred said smirking.  
  
"And Harry may be getting a visitor, too." George added climbing back to the table. "Well, that was interesting. Anyway, we've got one more list. Sixth year! One: Very loudly, say how unimportant the O.W.L.s are and that it really doesn't matter if you fail them or not."  
  
"Well, they aren't all that important," Fred said. "Only for prats like Percy who want to be the Minister of Bigheads."  
  
"We got a total of three O.W.L.s and we're perfectly normal," George said, as he brushed a hand through his now thick head of hair. "Two: Constantly ask her who she like better, Ron or Harry."  
  
"Now I'm sure we all know who that is," Fred added with a wink.  
  
"Three: Tell her that you want to join spew, and when she corrects you, say, 'Oh, never mind, then.' Four: Transform all of her robes into revealing clothes from the '60s complete will matching go-go boots."  
  
"Hmm.Hermione in go-go boots. I mean - ewww!" he said quickly with a glance at Angelina. "I wasn't thinking about her in go-go boots, I swear!" he added, smiling. "It's all for the laughs, I promise."  
  
"Five: Curse Malfoy so he calls her Sexy-Mione and makes kissy faces whenever near her. And six: Stand behind her looking through her hair. When she sees you, say, 'Oh, sorry. It's just that I lost a small owl yesterday and I thought this would be the most likely place I'd find it.'"  
  
After the laughter faded, Fred raised his voice and said, "That's it. We'll be going to judge now, but don't worry. We'll be back sometime before Hermione gets a T on a transfiguration essay," he said. They left up to their dormitory.  
  
After about ten minutes of snickering and chatting in the common room, they came back down.  
  
"Once again, it was a tough decision, but, as always, we've made one," George said.  
  
"So, second place goes to second years for the simple idea of erasing all of the words out of Hermione's books." Just as the previous week, the second years screamed with joy.  
  
"Now first place - may I have a drum roll, please -" There was silence. "No? Okay then. First place goes to sixth year for transfiguring her robes into stuff from the sixties."  
  
"With go-go boots!" Fred added over the sixth year's shouts.  
  
When the yells died down, George said, "A quick recap with points, then."  
  
"First year - zero, keep trying, though," Fred began. "Second year - 200 - excellent, third year - 150 - good, fourth year - 150 - same, fifth year - zero - regrettable, sixth year - 200 - I'm impressed, and who could forget the seventh years who have a whooping 200, themselves."  
  
"Sadly, there is only one more week of us annoying our peers." He hung his head.  
  
"But we've thought of the perfect set of people to annoy for next week."  
  
"Right you are, Fred," George said, snapping his head back up. "Next week, we want you to think of ways to annoy two very handsome -"  
  
"Brilliant -"  
  
"And spectacular judges." The hall rang with glee.  
  
"In other words, we want you to create the Top 35 Ways to Annoy us, Fred and George!"  
  
***  
  
"The Top Ways to Annoy Hermione," Ron said dully earlier that evening. He was sitting on his bed, looking at the floor. "How could they do that?"  
  
"Shh!" Harry said from across the room. He was seated right next to the door holding one end of an extendable ear next to his own. Fred and George were right in the middle of reading the lists, and Harry wanted to hear them. Of course he wouldn't go down and participate, none of the fifth years would do that to Hermione, but if people went around making jokes about Hermione, Harry felt that she had a right to know what they were saying. So he decided that he'd listen and tell her later, though he wasn't sure how he would tell her the things they were saying about her and Ron.  
  
"It's just not fair!"  
  
"We know it's unfair, Ron, so stop talking about it," an annoyed Seamus said from his bed.  
  
"I just can't believe Fred and George would do that," Ron muttered. "I mean, she's never done any really bad to them, well, anything besides scolding them about testing their stuff on first years."  
  
"Ron, quiet. I can't hear anything. I think these might be faulty," Harry said tapping the end of the extendable ear, for he suddenly couldn't hear anything that was happening downstairs.  
  
"Can't be," Ron said, getting up. "Fred and George worked on perfecting them all summer." He kneeled down next to Harry and held the piece of fleshy material up to his own ear, frowning.  
  
All of a sudden, the door to their dormitory opened causing Harry and Ron to fall backward, skidding across the floor. They looked up.  
  
"H-Hermione? Ginny?" Ron said. "What are you doing? You're not supposed to be up here."  
  
"I know, Ron, calm down," Hermione answered, closing the door behind her. "What were you doing down there?"  
  
"Oh, well," Harry said standing up, and he explained himself.  
  
From behind Hermione, Ginny smiled. "That's sweet," she said when Harry was done.  
  
"So what's going on?" Harry asked.  
  
"We just want to talk to you guys about something." Hermione said  
  
"Look, Hermione," Ron spluttered. "I never thought that Fred and George would do that to you, and we weren't any part of it. I don't support their decision at all," he said rather quickly. "And we're not going to go down next week, either."  
  
To his surprise, Hermione smiled. "That's really thoughtful, Ron, but I actually want you to do the opposite."  
  
"What?" Ron gaped.  
  
"Ginny and I have been doing some research in the library and we discovered something quite shocking," she said trying to suppress a smile.  
  
"What?" Harry said, looking from one to the other.  
  
"Well," Ginny began, "we were wondering how none of the teachers found out about this whole project, though the entire school knows."  
  
"But didn't Fred and George put a hex on the school or something?" Ron asked, puzzled.  
  
"That's actually what they want us to think," Ginny said smiling.  
  
"It turns out that there is no such thing as the Equininean hex at all," Hermione said laughing a little. "They just spread a rumor around the school that all of these horrible things will happen to you if you tell a teacher, but they never actually did anything!"  
  
"You're kidding!" Ron said.  
  
"No, and that is precisely why I don't want you to participate next week." However, Ron still looked perplexed. Hermione looked around. "Do we know who they're annoying next week?"  
  
"Fred and George," Harry said, who was now holding the extendable ears again. "They want everyone to annoy them."  
  
"Perfect," Hermione whispered with a gleam in her eye that Harry vaguely remembered seeing when she had first come up with S.P.E.W. She looked from Harry, Ginny, and Ron to the rest of the fifth year boys who were now eagerly listening to the conversation. "If you're still interested in winning," she said softly, "I have an idea."  
  
~*~Okay. I know you all wanted to annoy Umbridge, but this is my little twist to the story, and it should still be fun, right? So I need ways to annoy our favorite troublemakers - Fred and George! Don't forget to review! Love always, Carmen 


	8. Chapter 8: The Top Way to Annoy Fred and...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Or do I?  
  
Dedication: To anyone still reading this.  
  
~*~I'm extremely sorry for my long absence. Please believe that 1) my computer broke and I just recently got it back and 2) that I've had no time. It does take an incredibly long time to write each chapter of this, so please understand. Thanks, though, to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Fred and George. Now here's the story:  
  
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE  
  
Chapter 8  
  
"Welcome, everyone, to the very last night of the Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape contest!" Fred's voice rang throughout the common room. After the deafening cheers and earsplitting 'whoots' lowered to a slightly lesser level, Fred raised his voice once again. "It really is a pain to end it."  
  
"But as they say," George jumped in, "too much of a good isn't.....well.....isn't very good," he finished lamely.  
  
"Yes, well, who are we annoying again today, George?"  
  
"Why, I do believe that it's us!"  
  
"Now, George, how will that work?" Fred said, will the air of someone who just memorized what to say in a rush.  
  
"Well, Fred, we've decided to let the contestants read their own list. That way, we can act as the audience and enjoy it like any normal – well, as normal as you get – Gryffindor."  
  
"Basically, one person from each group will come up and read their top five ways they think will annoy us."  
  
"But this was a challenge."  
  
"That's right, it's takes a lot to irritate us."  
  
"So the group with a way to truly tick us off will win."  
  
"And if everyone is here, we can go ahead and get started with The Top 35 Ways to Annoy – wait," he said mid-sentence as he looked around the room. "Where are the fifth years?" It was true. Nearly everyone in the hall was there, except for Ron, Hermione, Harry, the rest of the fifth years, and, of course, Ginny, who hadn't been present since the first meeting.  
  
"Oh, I guess they're still upset about our choice for last week's buddy."  
  
"We know that Ronikins was," Fred said, grinning.  
  
"Well, it's their loss," George said, shrugging. "On with the festivities!"  
  
"So who's first?" Fred said, rubbing his hands together, looking around expectedly. "Why not begin with last weeks winner, sixth year. Should make a good start."  
  
With no more said, they strolled off the front table and settled themselves in the middle of the room where they conjured seven-foot-high chairs that wouldn't look out of place in a Renaissance court. Callie Days, an extremely pretty sixth year, made her way to the front of the room, and carefully climbed on top of first the bench, and then the table next to it. Just when she opened her mouth to begin, Fred muttered, "Wait a sec, there's something missing here. . ." He stood up, waved his wand once over the towering chairs, creating a banner that read 'The Kings of Pranks.' "There we go. So sorry." He nodded, smiling at Callie to continue.  
  
"So, I guess I'll just start then." She shook back her mane of dirty blond hair and smiled. "One: Whisper to Fred, 'Just between you and me, I think you're really the better-looking twin, George.'" She paused uneasily for a small laugh from the audience and looked to the twins as if hoping for approval. George winked at her.  
  
"That's okay," Fred muttered. "I'm the smart one, then."  
  
"Two: After eating a Canary Crème and turning into a bird, look at yourself disappointedly and tell them that they're loosing their touch. Three: Sneak Skiving Snackbox pills into everything they eat."  
  
"Ha!" Fred interrupted. "I could see you falling for that one, dear brother!"  
  
"Oh, brains before beauty," George retorted causing Fred to slump lazily into his cushioned seat. "Go on," he nodded at Callie.  
  
"Four: Set off their entire stash of fireworks in their room. And Five: Make a puppet show of them chasing Ms. Norris around the castle yelling, 'Who's a pretty kitty? Kiss the pretty kitty!'"  
  
"Oh, you know I only did that once!" George shouted, laughing. "Okay, good start. Now let's have the second years."  
  
Callie stepped down from the table looking rather proud of herself and an excited second year boy with mousy-looking hair took her place. "Our first one is to tell them that Zonko's went out of business."  
  
"Good, now there's a place in the market for us, George," Fred said nodding, apparently extremely excited about the news.  
  
"He was joking, Fred," the other twin said slowly. "It doesn't make it true."  
  
"Oh," he said, nodding, comprehension dawning on him. His face fell as he looked the second year straight in the eye. "You're making a powerful enemy with your lies, my friend." He cocked an eyebrow then after several seconds of silence, a cheery expression snapped to his face. "Please, continue."  
  
"Well," the second year said, now looking a bit shaken, "two: Run up to Fred, thinking he's George and say, 'I sure hope Fred doesn't find out about you and Angelina.'"  
  
"I hope so," George muttered.  
  
"What!?!" Fred shouted getting to his feet. "Is that – did you – "  
  
"Relax, just playing to the crowd. Go on."  
  
"Three: Prank them."  
  
"Well that's highly unlikely," Fred said moodily from his seat.  
  
"Four: Display family photos and undergarments with sticking charms in the halls. Five: Tell them, 'I don't care what anyone says. I don't think you guys are a day older than forty. I mean you couldn't have failed that many times.'" Right when he was done, he jumped down from the table and hurriedly scurried over to the rest of the second years.  
  
"Ooh! We'll go next!" Angelina said from the far corner of the room.  
  
"Good, seventh years! That'll cheer you up, right Fred?"  
  
Angelina took her group's list and headed to the front of the room. As she passed Fred, she looked over her shoulder and blew him a kiss. It certainly had a positive impact on him.  
  
"One," she began, "threaten to call their mother."  
  
"Oh, you know us far too well," George said with a shutter.  
  
"Two: Have Angelina, that is me, kiss George and brag about it to Fred."  
  
"Now we all knew that was coming," George interrupted, pretending to blush. Fred looked at him darkly, and immediately George put on a straight face. The moment Fred turned away, however, George gave Angelina a small wave. She smiled.  
  
"Three: Tell them that playing pranks isn't very attractive. Sorry guys. Four: Follow them around the corridors giggling and taping them on the head, saying, 'There's two of them! I love to count them! Look – one – two!' And Five: Set up zoo-like exhibits of their dormitory, and keep them in a large cage in the corner of the room. Make a tour guide say, 'Welcome to the bedroom of the two troublemakers of Hogwarts. Please note the dirty underwear on the floor. Now if you proceed to my left, you may purchase food pellets to feed them. Careful, they are most aggressive.'"  
  
"Very well done," Fred praised, apparently in a much better mood, clapping along with the rest of the Gryffindors, for no one stopped laughing since Angelina took her turn. "Now, what the heck, let's get the first years up."  
  
"This should be interesting," George said out of the corner of his mouth.  
  
A girl with black bobbed hair stood up from amidst the flock of first years looking rather anxious. When she went to take Angelina's place, she nearly tripped and fell off the table. "I guess I just start then?" she said in a small voice. "Well, first: Ask them for beauty tips."  
  
"Oh, sure," George said, "which do you want? We know how to dye hair blond or brown, and make it either full of grease or a bush."  
  
"You've still got a lot to learn," Fred muttered, shaking his head toward the first years.  
  
"Well, two: Make them kiss up to Filch."  
  
"Better yet, make them kiss Filch!"  
  
"That could work then, too, I guess. . .Three: Yell, 'Oh my gosh! You're hair is on fire!' Then throw water at them. Four: Put a sign on the library that says 'Open.'"  
  
"I'm sorry to say, but it's so. . . unoriginal," Fred sighed.  
  
"And Five, then: Make several hundred clones of them – some that are bookworm know-it-alls and others that run around in circles, bumping into walls."  
  
"That's actually not bad," George said nodding. "Ha, I could see us studying!"  
  
"And you do kind of run into walls, sometimes," Fred added, snickering.  
  
"Well, you kind of have to run through a barrier to get onto Platform 9¾," George replied, slightly exasperated, yet grinning. "And I thought you were the smart one."  
  
"Okay, only a few left now. Third year."  
  
Char Mourn, a sandy-haired boy, approached the table and climbed up. The first year girl apparently just realized that she was no longer supposed to be up there any longer and hastily scrambled down to rejoin the rest of her year.  
  
Char cleared his throat. "Keep a perfect deadpan through any and all of their jokes. Blink once; then release a Dungbomb in their faces."  
  
"Sure, like anyone could not laugh during one of our pranks," George snorted.  
  
The third year, however, waved off the comment. "Two: Find their new order forms and burn them, claiming that 'it was getting a bit drafty in here.' Three: Wear 'I Love Percy Weasley' badges. Four," he said before either of the twins had even opened their mouths, "permanently stick the Percy badges on their foreheads while they sleep. Finally five: Tell them that Moaning Myrtle thinks twins are sexy."  
  
"Well, they are," Fred said, looking around him as if it were obvious. "What did you expect?"  
  
"And since we have no fifth years present, lastly – forth year!" George announced.  
  
Colin Creevy went to the table, grinning from ear to ear. "Use their extendable ears as jump ropes," he said, outright.  
  
"Like we'd sell them to you now," George retorted.  
  
"Err. . . How about . . . Use a charm to attach prefect badges to their robes so they won't come off."  
  
"Trust me, it's been done, and they come off," Fred said.  
  
"Follow them around waving a stick and yelling, 'Revenge!'?"  
  
"Revenge, huh? Are you sure you want us as enemies? Note the sign." George gestured to the banner above.  
  
"Magically turn them back into first years, then." Colin was getting rather anxious.  
  
"That would actually be fun," Fred said, smiling. "Seven more years of mischief!"  
  
"Last one then," Colin said, obviously hoping to get out of the spotlight as soon as possible. "Follow them wherever they go. Every time they can't figure out a homework problem or are having trouble coming up with a new joke shop product, say, 'Gee wiz, that sure is a pickle.'"  
  
"Hmm.....pickles, that's actually not bad....."  
  
"So that's it then," Fred declared, standing up. "If you'll excuse us, George and I will be back shortly and – "  
  
"What about us?" A voice said from the portrait hole. Everyone in the common room turned around to see Hermione who was closely followed by Ginny, Harry, Ron, and the rest of the fifth years.  
  
"Look who decided to grace us with their presence," George said not bothering to get up from his seat.  
  
"I don't suppose you're all here to come play our little game?" Fred asked, looking from one student to another.  
  
"Actually, we are," Hermione replied simply.  
  
"Suddenly the Prefect wants to join in?"  
  
"Well, by all, means, be our guest." Fred glanced around. "We could always use a couple more fans."  
  
Hermione smiled knowledgably and headed to the front table, yet didn't stand on the table. "We only came up with one possibility. I hope that's alright."  
  
"I'm shocked," George gasped sarcastically, placing a hand over his heart. "Only one? Well, we'll allow it. Impress us."  
  
"The best way to annoy Fred and George," Hermione recited. "Convince a certain prefect to tell a few heads-of-houses how two Gryffindor twins have not only been mocking students and faculty members, but thinking up embarrassing and offending ways to annoy said heads-of-houses."  
  
"You wouldn't dare," Fred whispered, now leaning forward in his thrown.  
  
Hermione smiled wickedly. "Now who would be more interested, Professor McGonagall or Snape?"  
  
"And we have a winner!" George shouted. "Yes. One hundred points to fifth years for. . . err. . . giving us an offer we couldn't refuse."  
  
Fred shook his head. "Well, I guess that will have to do for our dramatic ending to our contest. Now, for next week – "  
  
"Wait," one first year piped up. "What about second place?"  
  
"Oh, well, you can have it," George said carelessly with a wave of his hand. "For the ambitious and self-destructive clone thingy."  
  
He almost fell off his chair in surprise for a deafening roar like none they had heard that evening echoed through the hall. Every first year seemed to have jumped to their feet, screaming about having won something. When the blare subsided, Fred dug a finger into his ear. "How many times do I have to tell you, George, don't encourage them." He sighed. "Well, as I was saying, it's a real bugger having to end this competition – "  
  
"Because it's been great fun – "  
  
"But the fun doesn't end here."  
  
"No, it doesn't, Fred. In fact, if you remember correctly, when we first introduced you to this game, we did mention something about a special challenge."  
  
"Now, each group will have a certain task assigned to them – "  
  
"And any group that completes their mission will get two hundred points – "  
  
"So really, it's anyone's game," Fred said.  
  
"What's the challenge you ask?"  
  
"Well, as you all know, we've been coming up with ways to annoy seven different buddies, or in some cases, pairs of them."  
  
"And we thought 'what's the point of thinking up ways to annoy someone if you never do anything with the information?'" George said. Several people glanced apprehensively at one another.  
  
"So, each year will be given a buddy and their winning choice," Fred boomed, almost shaking with excitement. "And you must perform the ultimate prank on them!"  
  
It was hard to tell the Gryffindor's reaction upon receiving this news. Some looked amused, as though they could visually picture McGonagall with fur all over her face or someone telling Malfoy that Dobby's a 'real man.' Others however, looked positively petrified at the idea of singing a rousing chorus of 'We Love You, Harry' to Professor Snape.  
  
"Let's see," George continued, sharing Fred's enthusiasm, "we'll just go in order. First years can annoy Snape –"  
  
"Eep!" one of the first years squealed.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll end up in one piece."  
  
"And if not, we'll be there to scoop you off the wall," Fred added.  
  
"Second year can have Filch and Norris; third year – Peeves; forth year – Malfoy, good luck with that one; fifth year – our dear Professor McGonagall; sixth year – Hermione – oh!" George exclaimed, turning his head toward her, remembering the threat of telling the teachers. "Well, err. . . not if you don't want to. . . um. . ."  
  
"It's fine," Hermione said, smiling wickedly once more. "It's just a game, after all."  
  
"Right," George said, rather perplexed. "So that leaves seventh year with us!"  
  
"Let's take a quick look at the points," Fred said through the cheers from the far end of the tower. "Seventh, sixth, and second years all have two hundred points, third and forth have one fifty, fifth has one hundred, and first year has fifty."  
  
"Wow, who would have seen that coming?"  
  
"So, as we said before, each group that successfully annoys their victim – err, buddy – will win two hundred points."  
  
"Really, anyone could win, then."  
  
"Yes even the first years."  
  
"Really?" The same first year asked in awe.  
  
"Wouldn't get your hopes up, though."  
  
"Anyway, you have from now until, say, midnight next Saturday to complete your task," Fred announced.  
  
"Oh, by the way, remember how we awarded second place each week?"  
  
"Well, George and I have a little surprise for you." They smiled identically evil smiles.  
  
"So," George said in a booming, dignified voice, "let the annoying begin!"  
  
~*~Yeah! Let's annoy everyone! So who will successfully annoy their victim? Who will win? Will someone really annoy Hermione or Malfoy or Snape? What's the prize at the end? And what will Fred and George do? Now, just because we're not thinking up new ways to annoy someone, doesn't mean you get out of it that easy. First of all, I'd love a review if you have a moment. Second, I thought it would be fun to think of ways to annoy Umbridge. I won't be able to post the list because it's against the rules (yeah, I'm kind of like Hermione like that), but anyone who wanted to look at it could just read the reviews. Okay? So think up ways to annoy our least favorite toad – I-I mean professor. Thirdly, I have an entire list of all of the ways to annoy all seven buddies. There are even some that never made it into the story and have never been seen by anyone but me. I would love to share it with you, so if anyone knows of a website that might like to have the lists on their page, please please please let me know! Lots of love, Carmen Willows 


	9. Chapter 9: Annoying Everyone

Dedication: To EVERYONE! 

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these plotlines.

I know it took such a long time to get this up. I've been so busy, and just when I was almost done, my computer deleted it, so I had to write it all over again. But here it is at last. Enjoy the very last chapter of:

THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE 

Chapter 9: Annoying Everyone

"The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape," Harry muttered, staring down at his half finished potions essay that night. "Who would have thought that this game would be so literal?"

"I did, unfortunately," Hermione replied from her armchair in the Gryffindor common room. She had apparently taken up knitting and was creating what looked like an extremely bunchy glove. "I knew that they'd do something like this."

"Yeah, but I didn't think that Fred and George would have had the guts," Ron said, sitting up from his spot on the floor, glad to find an excuse to put his homework aside.

"Well, we'll see if it's guts they have or just plain stupidity when someone tries to annoy Snape and McGonagall," Hermione said. Ron's face suddenly went slightly pale, and his mouth fell open a quarter of an inch. "Don't worry, I'm not going to tell on them," she said seeing his face.

"Hermione," Ron said slowly, "I almost forgot. Someone has to annoy _you_, don't they?"

"Oh, they've already tried," Hermione replied with a hint of pride in her voice. "But I put an unbreakable locking charm on my trunk last night. No sixth year is going to be turning my shoes into go-go boots."

"Well, that's one year that we know isn't going to win – sixth," said Harry. "Who else is there? There's first, and they're annoying Snape – "

"Fat chance that'll happen," Ron interrupted.

"And second year's got Filch and Mrs. Norris. Third is Malfoy – no Peeves – forth year has Malfoy," Harry continued.

"And Fred and George are reserved for their own year," Hermione concluded.

"And we get to annoy McGonagall!" Ron said. "So, how are we going to stick fur on her face? We could sneak into her office while she's sleeping. We could use the invisibility cloak!"

"How are we going to annoy McGonagall?" Hermione repeated incredulously, looking down at Ron. "Simple. We're not."

"Oh, err. . . yeah. . ." Ron mumbled. "I only meant. . ."

"I've already talked to Seamus and Dean and the rest of the fifth years," Harry said. "They don't think it's worth getting on McGonagall's bad side, either. I mean, seventh year might be able to get away with it, but we've got another full two years with her. It'd be nice if she wasn't breathing fire at us."

"There is one thing that is worrying me, though," Hermione said, a questioning look coming over her face. "What is Fred and George's 'surprise?' How could they possible find something more troublesome to do than what they've already asked us?"

"I don't know," Ron said, eager to jump back into the conversation. "I guess we'll have to just wait and see."

The next day, as it was Sunday, both Harry and Ron slept in until the late morning. After groggily dressing, they walked down the spiral staircase and found Hermione sitting cross-legged on a squashy armchair with an overly large book on her lap.

"Hi," Hermione said, looking up from her book as they approached. "Care for any breakfast?"

"Yeah, alright," Harry said while Ron stifled a huge yawn.

They proceeded out of the portrait hole and down the many staircases that lead to the Great Hall. However, when they reached the entrance hall, they found it flooded with students.

"What's going on? I'm starving," Ron muttered, craning his neck to try and see over the head of a burly seventh year. "What's the hold up?"

"Excuse me," Hermione said with a commanding air, squeezing between people. "Prefect coming through. Excuse me. Yes, I'm sure everything is alright." Harry and Ron followed closely behind her, as to not get lost in the crowd. Just when they reached the front of the cluster, Professor McGonagall walked out of the Great Hall and quickly closed the doors behind her. Harry caught the briefest glimpse of a large something hanging over the teacher's table, though what exactly it was, he couldn't tell.

"Professor," Hermione began, "what –"

"Attention, please! Attention!" Professor McGonagall called, cutting Hermione off mid-sentence. "Silence, please! The Great Hall will be off limits until further notice. Now don't whine, Crabbe. Food will be served in the common rooms for the time being."

"What's going on?" Harry asked, as they waited in the great line of people lingering up the marble staircase. "This has never happened before."

Just then, a familiar voice called out, "Harry! Ron! Hermione!" They turned at the base of the stairs to find a flushed-faced Ginny rushing toward them as quickly as she could without running. She skidded to a halt and said, "Come on, you guys have to see this!" She was smiling broadly as if she knew something the others didn't.

"Ginny," said Ron, looking confused, "what's going on?"

"Oh, just come on! You'll see." She turned and led them straight out the oak front doors leading to the snowy grounds. She walked to a frosted window that Harry briefly recalled glancing through after hitting the Whopping Willow with the Weasley's old Ford Anglia in his second year.

"Ginny," Ron tried again, "what –"

"Oh, just look!" She pointed to the window. Harry, Ron, and Hermione peered through the glass and saw the familiar sight of the Great Hall – but this time, something was different. Harry didn't immediately register what he saw. The same something was hanging over the teacher's table, but now he saw what it really was. It was a picture – of Malfoy. But not the Malfoy that they knew. He was only a toddler, naked, and lying down on his stomach, frowning and scowling in an annoyed sort of way. The baby-Malfoy opened its mouth and made a large, wet spit bubble. They all burst out laughing at once, and turned around to see Ginny overcome by a fit of giggles. "What did I tell you?" she said between spurts of laughter.

"It looks like one group's done," Harry said, as the four of them walked back into the castle. "That idea won first place didn't it?"

"No, second," Ron corrected. "I guess we know what Fred and George's special surprise is."

"It's nice to know that you pay attention to something. If you only do the same in Snape's class, you'd have an A," Hermione said jokingly.

"Well," Ron said, "that's potions. Anyway, Fred and George must be doing all the second place winners, and letting us do the first."

"Oh, they're going to get in so much trouble," Ginny said, shaking her head. "Mum'll kill them."

"Not before Malfoy does," Harry said, and they walked through the oak front doors, laughing once again.

"Did you hear?" Parvati whispered to Lavender. History of Magic was about to begin, and Parvati and Lavender were sitting in the row in front of Harry, Ron and Hermione. "Mrs. Norris is in the hospital wing. Padma was there earlier to ask Madame Pomfrey about a cough she's been getting, and she saw the cat lying on one of the beds in the back. Madame Pomfrey can't figure out what's wrong with her. Said Mrs. Norris keeps getting sick, then having nosebleeds, and then fainting. Poor kitty."

From behind them, Hermione, Harry, and Ron exchanged curious glances.

"Welcome class," Professor Binns drawled as he floated through the black board. "Today we'll be studying the outcome of the Great Ghost Wars. Open your books and turn to page 342."

There was a rustling sound as everyone took out their books and began to flip to the appropriate page. Professor Binns started droning on again, and the class fell into immediate silence – well, not completely. Harry heard another rustling of paper from his right and turned to see a bewildered looking Hermione flicking through her entire book. Puzzled, Harry glanced down at her History book. He stared wide-eyed as she turned the page. The black text on it turned a bright shade of red then disappeared from sight. She turned the page again, and the same thing occurred. She hurriedly looked up at Professor Binns, silently willing him to wait for her, but he droned on, completely unaware of anything that was happening at Harry's table. Parvati, Lavender, Dean, and Seamus had all turned around to see what the commotion was. Hermione was panicked as she turned to yet another random page. This time, the words didn't erase themselves immediately, but rearranged themselves into the words "Sorry about this, Hermione. Remember, it's just a game." Then they, too disappeared.

Hermione let out an audible "humph," and ended up having to share books with Harry and Ron the rest of the day.

"Have you seen Hermione lately?" Ron asked Harry the next day in the Transfiguration room. Class was about to begin, but Hermione was nowhere to be found. Ron rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I haven't seen her since yesterday. She wasn't at breakfast."

"Nope," Harry said, hoping that she wasn't too upset about Fred and George's prank the day before. He wasn't looking forward to sitting next to a disgruntled Hermione for the rest of the week.

He absentmindedly began doodling on the cover of his transfiguration book, when Hermione rushed in. She plopped down next to Ron and said, "I've been in the library for hours trying to find a way to keep my books from going blank, but every time I opened a book to look for a countercharm, it erased itself. In the end I had to tell Madame Pince that one of my friends pulled a joke on me, but didn't know how to reverse it – Don't worry, I didn't tell them who!" She glanced at Ron and then sighed, taking a book out of her bag wearily. "She said that people have done this sort of thing before and showed me a countercharm, but it's only for individual books. She said she'd look for a more lasting spell for me. Revelo!" she muttered, tapping her book with her wand. Instantly, the appropriate text spiraled out from the middle of the page and came to rest in its respected place.

Suddenly, a shouting came from the corridor outside. Every head in the room turned in the direction of the sound. "Stop following me, I say! Leave! Stupify!"

Soon another voice – or rather, many voices joined as one – responded in a high-pitched, singsong way, "We welcome you to Umbridge-land!"

Grins instantly appeared on everyone's faces, but disappeared just as quickly as the door burst open, and Professor McGonagall stormed into the room. Her hair was falling out of her tight bun, and her face was extremely flushed. At her heals was a chorus of no less than eleven Umbridge look-a-likes, still chanting their song.

"Stupify!" McGonagall tried again. She hit one of the Umbridges, but the spell's beam bounced off its forehead and hit the blackboard, leaving a smoking hole in it. The chorus began singing even louder.

"Stupify! Impedimenta! Relacio!" she yelled, the spells' rays reflecting off the Umbridges and causing more damage. "Class dismissed!" she barked. Harry, Ron and Hermione gathered up their books in a hurry and met the rest of the students at the door, all anxious to get out of McGonagall's way.

"Can you believe our luck!" Ron said once safely out of McGonagall's firing range. "A whole hour off, and we got to see that!"

"McGonagall didn't look too happy, though," Hermione said, looking rather shaken.

"I think that's an understatement," Harry said. "But you've got to hand it to Fred and George. Those Umbridges were pretty convincing."

Four days later, Harry and Ron were sitting in the Great Hall eating dinner. Nothing interesting had happened since the "Umbridge-McGonagall Incident," which was very surprising. Fred and George seemed to either be taking a break from their pranks, plotting their next one, or were caught; the thing was, no one knew for sure, for the twins were no where to be found. To add to it, it was the last day of the competition, and there wasn't a shred of evidence that any of the other Gryffindors had completed their task. So, in order to pass the time, Harry and Ron decided to play exploding snap for hours on end.

Harry had lost for the third time in a row when, for a second, he thought he heard a distant singing. Then he decided he imagined it as the doors behind him opened, and Hermione walked briskly into the Great Hall, carrying a large stack of books. She dropped them heavily on the table and sat down next to Ron.

"Trying to read the entire library before dinner?" Ron asked.

"No. I still haven't found a permanent spell to stop Fred and George's joke. The books keep erasing themselves," she said desperately, opening the top one. The words disappeared a moment afterward. Hermione sighed exasperatedly and said, "Revelo! Oh, this is so –"

"Annoying?" Ron offered helpfully.

"Thanks, Ron," Hermione muttered, rolling her eyes.

"No problem," he said, making the rough outline of a castle with his exploding snap cards.

"Madam Pince hasn't found anything?" Harry asked.

"No, but she's hopeful," Hermione responded in a voice that plainly showed her doubt that Madam Pince would ever find anything helpful.

"I'm sure if you ask Fred and George about it, though, they'll tell you how to reverse it," Harry said.

"I know, but I haven't seen them anywhere," she said.

"What are you talking about?" Ron said. "They're right over there." He jabbed his thumb to the other end of the Gryffindor table, and both Hermione and Harry gazed in that direction. Sure enough, Fred and George were there alone, though it was understandable why Harry and Hermione hadn't seen them immediately. The tops of their red hair were just visible behind two large volumes of books. Hermione looked down at her own books – which were all noticeably smaller than theirs – and stared in amazement at the twins.

"I'll be right back," she said.

"Yeah," Harry said, equally puzzled by the sight. "Me, too."

"Okay," Ron replied, now concentrating on building his card castle higher.

"Fred? George?" Harry asked, once they reached the two people hidden behind books. They didn't respond. "Hey, are you guys okay?"

"Please, Harry, we are trying to read," came a voice.

"Oh, come on," Harry said. "Really, I want to talk." Again, there was no response.

"Fred, George, I need to talk to you," Hermione said boldly.

"We told you," came a very tense voice. Both of the books slammed shut. "We are trying to study."

Hermione gapped at what she saw. Both boys had their hair slicked back and were wearing thick glasses. They wore a look of utmost aggravation. In fact, they looked more like twin Percys than they did like Fred and George.

"Now, if you will excuse us, we have work to do," one of them said testily.

"That's right," the other said. "We're trying to find a rule that will allow seventh years to be considered for new prefects mid-year." And they disappeared behind their books.

"That was the strangest thing I've ever seen. Including Hagrid's blast-ended scroots," Harry said as they walked back to Ron.

"What was strange?" Ron muttered, not looking up from his castle.

"Fred and George, they –" but he was interrupted by a loud noise coming from the entrance hall.

"Oh, bloody hell." Ron swore, as his card castle came crashing down, burning the front of his hair.

"What was that?" Hermione asked, and the three of them joined the large mass of people now gathered around the doors. There was laughter coming from the front of the crowd, and, once Harry, Ron, and Hermione squeezed their way to the front, they couldn't help but joining in. Two dozen Fred and George-like figures were running around aimlessly, several of which ran straight into walls, fell down, and bounced right up again, screaming their heads off. Harry and Hermione spied a group of them in the corner of the hall, some burying themselves in books, and others looking irritably over at the brainless clones that were now playing duck-duck-goose.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here? Ickle twinsies playing little gamesies?" came the voice of Peeves. His body drifted into sight a few seconds later.

All the dim-witted twins turned to look at him gleefully. "Peevesie!" They joyously cried in unison.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! How did you die?" one asked.

"Oh, that's a good story," Peeves hackled, doing a flip. "Peevsie was pulling gophers out of their holes in a field one morn, hoping to chop off their toes before the day was worn. He saw an arrow flying, sharp as a tack, it hit him, and now Peevsie is back!" He swooped down on the flock of idiots, who stood in their places and – laughed. Peeves halted midair, looking rather confused. "Are you laughing at Peeves?"

"Yes!" the clones shouted as one, and began laughing insanely again and started running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Peeves, obviously furious, looked panicky around the room, blew a loud raspberry, and flew into the nearest suit of armor.

"Come on," Harry said to Hermione and Ron, jerking his head toward a hallway to the right. "Fred and George have really outdone them this time," he said once they were away from all the noise, a large grin plastered across his face.

"Wonder if they've been caught yet," Ron said, looking over his shoulder as one of the extra twins blew a wand up in his face.

"Doesn't seem like they have," Hermione said, halting where she was and standing extremely still. She seemed to be listening intently. Harry and Ron both stopped short, and it was then that they heard it – the unmistakable sound of mischievous laughter. Harry walked over to a nearby tapestry and pulled it back revealing a large opening in the wall in which a set of guilty looking twins was hiding. They were both red in the face.

"Hiya, Harry," Fred said, coming out into the open.

"Enjoying our little bit of fun?" George asked, climbing out of the hole after his brother.

"It's brilliant, isn't it?" Fred said.

"We're sure to go down in Hogwarts history after this," George nodded.

"Oh, by the way," Fred began, turning to Hermione, "sorry about the books, but it's all in fun and games, you know."

"Everything's fair in love and war," George agreed.

"Good, then you wouldn't mind giving me the countercharm?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"Fat chance, Hermione! This is the best set of pranks we've ever pulled! There's no way we're ruining it." But Hermione gave them a stern look so much like that of Mrs. Weasley's that they nearly leapt back in horror. "Okay, okay, you win!" and he pulled a piece of parchment out of his robes and gave it to Hermione.

"Thank you," Hermione said with a gracious smile.

Ron's face suddenly lit up. "Well, now that the contest is over with, are you going to tell us who won?"

"Of course, little bro," George said. "What kind of brother's would we be if we didn't?"

"Well?" Ron and Harry asked.

"Well, it seemed that everyone had a little trouble pulling off the pranks," Fred admitted. "You three obviously wouldn't annoy McGonagall." George then shook his head, and Fred gave them a tragic, disapproving look.

"And the forth years can't do anything right without Ginny," George admitted.

"Then you, Hermione, stopped the sixth years from changing all your robes," Fred said.

"Pity," George added.

"What about third year?" Ron asked.

"Well, see they told Peeves about the 'treasure', but he wouldn't believe him –"

"Just threw a bucket of water in their faces –"

"So it doesn't count."

"And second year couldn't dress up Filch's cat as McGonagall because Mrs. Norris was conveniently locked up in the hospital wing."

"We think she ate too many Nosebleed Nuggets."

"Well, what about seventh year?" Hermione asked.

"Come on, Hermione," George said, "they wouldn't really snitch on us. They're our best mates."

"So, who won then?" Ron asked.

Fred and George glanced at each other, then said, "First year."

"What?" Ron, Harry, and Hermione exclaimed in unison.

"Yup," said George shaking his head. "Who ever thought that that was coming?"

"They're the only ones who pulled the prank," Fred said, shrugging.

"When did they do it?" Harry asked, puzzled. "I didn't hear anything about it."

"Well, you wouldn't have," Fred said.

"As it just happened," George replied.

"Oh, we wish you could have seen it. They sang 'We hate you Snape' so passionately."Fred smiled reminiscently.

"He was so mad. Nearly cursed their legs off."

"But it was worth it."

"Brave little firsties," George added.

"What was the prize they won?" Harry asked, recalling that they had never announced exactly what the mystery prize would be.

"Why, the pride and joy of having detention for the next four months," Fred replied.

"Hey, how come we never won any of the things with the lists until the end?" Ron asked, just remembering how much he himself was annoyed about it.

"Come on, Ronnie. Your stuff was always the best," Fred admitted honestly.

"We just wanted you to keep you on your toes," George said.

"Plus, we're jerks. What can you expect from your big brothers?"

"Hey, it could have been worse," George admitted, an evil grin spreading across his face. "We were actually considering annoying a certain little brother of ours."

"Yeah, we knew the prefect – sorry – perfect way to annoy him," Fred said, glancing at Hermione which caused both her and Ron to blush.

"Well, that's it then, isn't it?" Ron said, changing the subject as quickly as he could. "It's all over?"

"Oh, no," Fred said with a mischievous look. "By no means."

"You just wait until tomorrow," George said.

"There's still one person we have to annoy."

The next morning at breakfast, Harry, Ron and Hermione sat at the end of the Gryffindor table waiting attentively for something; more specifically, for someone. Everyone was very tense that morning. Even the teachers could tell something was going to happen. They all seemed to know exactly what was coming. The only sour faces in the entire hall were that of Malfoy, Filch, McGonagall, and the other victims, save Fred and George who were as eager as the rest.

After waiting for nearly an hour, the great doors opened, and a figure all dressed in black that was very heavily bandaged trudged in. Every head in the hall turned to see the figure and watched as it walked slowly to the teacher's table. It crossed the room cautiously, almost suspicious of every pair of eyes. Harry turned to look down the table at Fred and George who were smiling with joyful malevolence. They saw Harry, winked, and then inconspicuously pointed their wands at the figure, muttering an incantation.

Instantly, the bandages flew off the black figure, and it crouched down as if it was struck by an invisible hand. The entire hall rang with laugher. Harry, smiling broadly, turned back to look at Fred and George. Snape had a tan.

The End

Well, that's it. I can't believe that it's over. It's been so fun writing this story for all of you. I've loved it. So many laughs. Oh, did anyone catch the book 5 foreshadowing? I'll give you a clue: tarot cards. I put that in for all you Ron/Hermione shippers, and all of you who know how Harry suffered.

Now I have a confession to make. I'm not going to be able to write any more stories. My life is at a turning point, and I will no longer have any time to spare. I had to push myself just to give you all this last chapter. So, I won't have any more entries unless I find the time for a few one-shots.

So, thank you to all of my loyal readers and wonderful reviewers. This story is for you.

Love always,

Carmen Willows


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